Sabtu, 31 Desember 2011

LAST POST OF 2011

HEY! how's everything hanging? so okay hey guys. i wanna make this post to appreciate (i think that's the word) the year 2011. i mean, i don't want my last post of 2011 to be that "get money fuck bitches, get married eat sandwiches" thingy. even though i know it is super awesome!!! i know!! so, this last post of 2011 will be about.. well, 2011. everything that has happened throughout the year. wow. i didn't even notice things! i mean, i didn't know that i'm going to pass 2011 this fast. and the other thing is, i can't believe so many things happened in a very short amount of time. well, at least that's what i feel. okay i'm going to have to hurry because the countdown is an hour til midnight so...

okay. this year started off with some laughs. literally, laughs. laughs everywhere. i love laughs. well, not really. so 2011 with madesu, that is 8.1 or if you don't know me, then you suck it's my class in vincentius junior high. HAHA why do i laugh everytime i hear junior high. it sounds so small if you know what i mean. ANYWAYS, in madesu, i had so much fun. thank you guys. you're all amazing and awesome and hilarious. well... just thank you. i had the funniest moments with you guys. so thanks. we shared... well, mostly laughs. YCEFDMN. we had something back then... right? well, not everything is perfect. but either way, i love every single one of you madesu! much love! HEY SOUL SISTER AIN'T THAT AKDAUDGHUA

so many things happened, i don't know where to begin. let's see. when i first got promoted? wait what? promoted? up to 9th grade. oh my god 9th grade!! i feel so small... so when i first got up to ninth grade, i felt so sad because i had to leave madesu but oh well. my new class was 9.1 or so called communio. oh my god. okay at first, we were really awkward and ya know. but then we got to blend and what do you know, we mixed up so perfectly. HAH! the funny thing is, i actually felt something from this class. like something. no offense, but in madesu i didn't really feel anything. almost nothing. happy. why do i feel happy? I'M SO EMOTIONALLY HAPPY RIGHT NOW! just thinking about them makes my heart warm. okay, communio, i love you and i can't wait to spend another semester with you. much much love from me!! oh and classmeeting lol okay let me talk about this. WE LOST. it felt.. terribly... good. it felt terribly good. i don't know. i just love them too much! i love you! okay i'm going to stop now you're all so hilarious. and cute. and IT'S A BEAUTIFUL NIIIGGGHHHTTT

oh and so many things happened to me. yeah things have changed. losing best friends. gaining best friends. falling in love. founding love. getting lessons. losing faith. gaining faith. losing hope. gaining hope. parents. friends. family. teachers. people. lover. best buds. everything just fell right on to me. GLEE

i don't have hopes about next year. nope. nothing at all. since i don't really celebrate new years. but this year 2011, was a pretty wild ride in my life. it changed every perspective that i have towards everything. it changed everything that i may thought about before it actually happened to me. i was naive back then. now, i'm not as naive as i was. i didn't know stuff back then. now, i know what i should know, even though i don't want to know. everything that has happened to me showed everything in life that i didn't want to know at the first place. but well, i guess i have to. eventually. just like the speeches that quinn and rachel did in SHAfD, all we have to do is live. freaking live! all i want to do in 2012, the new year that's going to happen to my life in about 30 minutes, is to overcome. overcome everything that i will be facing. i will overcome. i will survive. and i will win. i will live. overcome. love better. know better. fight harder. trying to hang in there. and eventually i will overcome. learn from experiences. i have a lot of them. let's live. i will have to face hard things out there, but i will overcome. something is waiting for me. i just know it.

happy new year!

and so ends my last post of 2011

Get money, fuck bitches. Get married, eat sandwiches.

Selasa, 27 Desember 2011

My love for you will never subside

A best friend once told me of how he loves his girlfriend. I know this seems so corny, but I think it is true. And he was so sincere about it. So, he told me this.

"I can't hate her. She's the only one that can make me feel this way. I love her. I'm sure she's the one. Because even though we fight a lot, my love for her won't lessen. We never thought about breaking up. I'm in love with her. Head over heels. My love for her is 100 %. It won't reduce in any way possible. Just because we fight a lot, it doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving her. Because I love her too much to do that. She's everything to me."

And it was probably the truest thing I've ever heard him said. Oh he loves her so much. I love their relationship. I'm sure there's something waiting for both of them out there. He didn't say those things in the right way so I corrected him. But I know what he meant. I know exactly what he meant. I know exactly how he feels towards her. He was head over heels in love with her. And it's beautiful for a person to feel that way. To feel that he loves someone so much that he never thought a second about being apart from her. It's the most beautiful thing ever. How he has someone that he loves so much that he claims that she's his everything. That's what I love about them.

The point is, when you love someone so much that you think that he or she is the one, you'd never even think about being apart from them. It's way too cruciating. You love him or her too much to be seperated from them. Fighting alot doesn't mean that you don't belong to each other. It just means that you care. You care about them so much that you have to argue with them. But note this, your love for this person won't ever subside. No way. They're way too precious. You won't be able to let them go because you just.. love them too much. It's love.

And if you'd ask me if I had felt this before, I'd say yes.

Jealousy takes over. Again.

what is wrong with me

Senin, 26 Desember 2011

lalala let's dance

okay about the title... nope. nevermind. HEY. i don't have any intention at all for making this post! HA! i'm such an awesome person. i haven't done my assignment though. still an awesome person. okay so, i'm just going to write anything that's going through my mind lately. here goes nuthin'! I'M SUCH AN AWESOME PERSON.

i'm still working on madesu. yeah! can you believe that?! i'm kind of slow on this chapter cause i don't know what the hell should happen to you guys. but i added a new character. here, have some sneak peek.


"you know, if you're trying to believe something so impossible, you're going to get hurt more than if you just believe in reality" said the girl that was eyeing thalia the whole time.


thalia was shocked. she turned her head towards the girl and saw her. she couldn't saw her face because the girl was under the shadow. but her voice sounded... magical?


"who are you?" asked thalia. she was a little bit scared.


"oh. i'm just a person that you don't talk to" said the girl.


"show me your face!" said thalia. she was panicking now.


"don't be scared. i don't bite either" the girl walked slowly.


thalia could see her face now. wow. it was the first word that crossed her mind after seeing that face. it was literally perfect. her big bright purple eyes were weirdly stunning on her perfect porcelain skin. her lips were glossy soft pink. the glossy part was probably because of the lolipop that she was holding on her mouth. this girl was a student in vincentius high. thalia has seen her before, but she never took notice. she was different alright. very different. her look was freaky. but it worked. thalia knew that just then. the girl was somewhat interesting.

could you guess? no? yes? tell me all about it okay ;) this is going to be an interesting character. i love her already. her eyes are purple. PURPLE. PUR-PLE. PURH-PLEH. PUUURRRPLLEEE. P-U-R-P-E-L. i guess you already get that. (i know i did wrong at that last part. HAH! i'm not an idiot. bitches. that's not how you spell purple.. right? i knew that). okay so, this character talked about reality.

ABOUT REALITY, i'm not having a great time with it. totally. it's kind of a cockblock on anything i've ever dreamed about. like how i wanted to have a farm filled with unicorns and dolphins. or meeting up with the teletubbies and live with them like forever. yep, reality crushed it. my dreams turned into a mashed potatoes. the only difference between my dreams and mashed potatoes is, mashed potatoes are way more delicious. okay. so, the thing about reality is, it is real. so you kind of can't deny it. it's like facts. not fictions. fictions are so much more fun. deal with it. i mean, which one will you choose? a huge thick encyclopedia with.. encyclopedia stuff in it, or a huge thick harry potter novel with wand helders and a talking brown hat in it? i could already guess. fact is, reality always sucked.

i really don't have anything to do. really. this is the holiday season yet i'm dying wanting to go home. i'm not having fun whatsoever. i miss everything. well, not everything. a special... thing. a very very special thing. ah love. so, here i am, trying to find a highschool. i'm not really sure about this, but whatever. ya know. the whole "your future is important" and "we only give you the best" and "your future is what important to us" and everything. it almost felt like i'm doing something out of force and pressure. every crap has gotten crappier. everything i say is unimportant. yet my future is? so, yeah. what is my future anyways? no one could tell but me, right? but oh wow i'm not supposed to talk. okay then i say nothing. then my future would be nothing. when will people understand that my future is my saying? it's kind of unfair. but remember. fair isn't a word in anyone's vocabularies anymore. sad.

okay, so i was checking this thing out, and then i fainted. why? because of how perfect it is. oh i won't tell. it's a secret. YEAH I HAVE ONE, PROBLEM? aaahh i'm in love. YEAH I CAN BE IN LOVE, PROBLEM?

ehm. so i'm going to talk about my lasts. it's something that i came up with and even though it has been done before, i feel like doing it.

last activity. peeing. oh my god it was perfect because i almost spill it. so i was taking my aunt and her boyfriend (i guess. please don't make this complicated) to a bus thingy so both of them could go back to jakarta. but then my bladder was so freaking low i could feel it burning inside me. the moment i wanted to go to the toilet at the nearest mcd, my big pops told all of us that he wanted to take us to somewhere that has food in it. somewhere on the street. so i held my pee oh my god cruciating as hell. i didn't eat and absolutely didn't drink anything. i just sat there. on the street. YEAH IMMA GHETTO. and then we got back to the bus thingy because it was time for my aunt to go and then i went to that mcd again just to pee! HAH it felt so heavenly good. god, thank you for creating a way for us to pee. amen. one thing that i found very interesting is that mcd in tegal (YEAH THAT'S THE NAME OF THE TOWN. BITCHES) is so much more modern than ones in jakarta. SCORE.

last meal. meandoan lol i don't know what else to call it. straight up mendoan. it reminds me of a visit at astari's house with naomi. so we went to astari's house until late at night and we ate probably the most delicious mendoan ever. EVER. well, maybe after the ones in gonz. EVER.

last drink. uhh tea, i guess. AND I USED A SMALL CUP AND IT WAS SO ADORABLE OH MY GOD THE CUTEST CUP EVER IN MY LIFE I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD DRINK FROM A SMALL CUTIE CHUBBY CUP EVER.

last hug. MYSELF. YEAH I CAN HUG MYSELF DEAL WITH IT.

last kiss. my fuckin adorable brother. no, not the big one ew. the smallest. oh did i tell you that my mother is now officially insane? everytime she sees my little brother she'd be like "he's the most perfect baby ever" and i was like "wha-" and she was all "ever." and it creeps the shit out of me. really.

last ride. ON A TRUCK. HELL YEAH.

last movie. wrong turn 4. oh my god this movie. you should just like watch it or something. i don't know what to call it. awesome or creepy or ew. let's watch it! i screamed a lot! yeay!

last song. simple plan- i can wait forever. YEAH I MISS SOMEONE, PROBLEM?

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE LAST LOL OKAY SO BYE I GUESS.

oh and i hate judgemental people. stop underestimating others! you're a shitty person. i just wanted you to know that, okay ;)

STOP TOTURING ME I'M FRUSTRATED. yeah i'm mental.

Sabtu, 24 Desember 2011

It was never about knowing anything when it came to them. It was always about feeling and just doing. They just did. Most times it worked, last fall it ruined them. But they never questioned what they had. They just… were, like soul mates never needing to know more. Why was irrelevant because everything was an answer. Why? Because of her hazel eyes. Why? Because of that voice. Why? Because she wears knee highs. Why? Because thoughts don't exist outside of her. Why? Because love seems wasteful when not directed at her. Why? Because there is no why not.

No one and nothing else can compare.

Kamis, 22 Desember 2011

I was at the top and now it's like I'm in the basement

And now you ain't around, baby I can't think. I should've put it down, should've got that ring. And I just hope she knows that she's the only one I yearn for. Moreover, I miss her. When will I learn?

I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a lego house. When things go wrong, we can knock it down. My three words have two meanings. There's one thing on my mind. And it's all for you. I'm out of touch. I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. I'm out of sight. I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours.

And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now.

Down hold me down. Even though it's more than I can take, for you as a prize is worth it.

I'll do better.

Rabu, 21 Desember 2011

Life Goes On (Ew, Sucky Title)

HEY. okay hi. it's been awhile! and i'm pretty sure no one is checking this thing out. do you know what it means? MORE CONFESSIONS. YEAY THIS DOESN'T SOUND EXCITING AT ALL!! anyways, there are so many things that i want you guys to catch up with. in my life. i know. enjoy your trip sinking on my ocean of life that's filled with boredom.

the exams are done. horay. yeay. yahoo. whatever. i'm not excited about that. not really. i think i did bad. seriously though, real bad. i didn't study or anything like that. and i was sure that i would regret everything that's going to happen after. HAH. life. but i didn't. i mean, i did a bad job and got a bad result. there's nothing wrong about that. duh. exams are just... hmm.

classmeeting. lol okay let me rant about this thing. i love it. no, not the event. communio. a special place where i can actually feel worthy. seriously. i mean, after all that has happened to my life, my extremely broken family, my extra extremely broken friendships, and through all the confussions of my entire worthless life, i can actually feel loved. i've said before that madesu had set the bar way high for anything. but i guess i was wrong. i do that. i do wrong. wrong stuff. wrong judgements. wrong perspectives. i do many wrongs. i used to think that an awesome family is when you get to have extra fun and laugh with them. but guess what? i was wrong about that too. communio changed everything about my decisions and point of view. i feel accepted. loved. needed. enough. i feel enough. after all these years of feeling so left out, grabaged, and useless, i actually feel enough when i'm with them. you'll never know what it feels like. even i couldn't describe it with words.

ah words. my friends. don't you think they're beautiful? some of them are. i love words. arrange them correctly and you can make a sentence. then a paragraph. then a story. then a book. their existence are precious. my life is such a story. sometimes i feel like i need to channel it into words. like making a story about my life. but that would be narsistic. so i made madesu. remember? my one and only fanfiction. it is great. what you may not know is, it is how i channel my life. some of the story there are my true experiences of life and self discovery. I'M AN ARTIST.

i don't know what's going on to me lately though. everytime i go to school, i feel sick. oh god i'm sick of it. i'm totally sick of it. i don't know. it seems like everytime people talk about school or even anyone in it, i feel like vomiting. i hate school. i dislike people in it. it's just that... they're so.. uugghh. i'm sick and tired of everyone's behavior. i mean, junior high school. are you serious? i'm so not into this. come on. please. just be cool for god's sake. you'll be in high school and then college and then god knows what. and you're acting so... god damn it i don't know the right word. they're just fucking stupid small minded assholes who don't know how to live their life, yet criticsize other's. oh my god. are you serious? are you going to be like that for the rest of your life? being a creepy pathetic scumbag? you're joking. please tell me you are. i just can't.. and i just.. oh my god stop it. you're killing me here. i'm not trying to be all hipster, but.. over it. totes.

i'm so done. with everything. do you know what it feels when someone you love just.. broke up with you? you wouldn't want to know.

another thing that has been going on is.. i'm broke. totally. i'm so short on cash and i'm trying so hard saving it. seriously. after what has happened to my dad, my view towards money changed 180 degrees. okay. so, money is important. i'm being super serious. people say that money isn't everything. well, they lie. money is everything. there's just one thing that we need in this world. could you guess? exactly. money. i mean, you should really thank your parents. for feeding you. and giving you money. and stuff. but anyways, money is super important. if i had to choose between parents or unlimited amount of money, i would choose money. for real. it's all about the money, guys.

i love rihanna. don't you? i'm so emotional right now. it's caused by so many things. ah i hate my life.

don't you?

Talk That Talk

Sabtu, 10 Desember 2011

"Somehow, official meant protection"

She could hear each breath Rachel took, their air mixing between them. It'd been two months since this started. Two months and they'd managed to find their utopia within each other. Rachel would turn sixteen in two days. She would officially be allowed to date, according to the Berrymen's laws of life.

For a week, Quinn wanted to broach the topic. Technically, they were already dating. They made out, they had dinner, they held hands- but all in private. Not that Quinn wanted to out them, that would come later and her mother would be the first told, but she wanted it official. She needed it official.

Her mind was one slip away from uttering three words she was too scared to put together without making things official. Somehow, official meant protection in Quinn's mind. As if Quinn could utter those three words while official and not encounter the same risks when they weren't.

Yes. Official definitely meant protection. "I love you" is not something that I could say out loud when it's not official. I need official. Oh God, I do. I wonder when will I man up.

Selasa, 06 Desember 2011

Hello Internet, Hello Confessions

Hey. OH MY it's been awhile since I opened this freaking blog. GUESS WHY? A GODDAMN THUNDER! I swore to god I think pikachues exist. evil ones that tried to ruin my relationship with my dearest lover, internet *FOREVA ALONE... you guys have already known that... *. HOWEVER, everything is fixed and I'm back on the game... bitches. and now I'm literally trying to make out with my damn internet. LET ME LOVE YOU. please don't ever leave me ever again you dirty scumbag.

Anyway, I'm not really sure if anyone is still have the unlazyness (is that a word?) to open and read this mothafuckin blog. but, oh well where else can I write my unimportant confession and blabber about it until it reached six pages and I don't even realize it? how are you all doing? I'm still hanging in there. So, here goes my life for now.

I am a fifteen year old brat now! okay that doesn't sound really exciting. wow. 15. it's like a number you get when you divide 30 into two *everyone knows that... silly*. I feel.... young. I KNOW. how weird is that? I feel immature. more immature than I ever was. it sounds pretty weird. oh, you know how I love birthdays. not mine though. my parents are still trying to tell me that it's no use celebrating one. so, you know, all the congrats and the presents meant a lot to me. it shows me that birthday celebration does exist. maybe not in my family, but in the world. PRESENTS! I can't believe I actually got one! I kind of like presents, you know. the excitement you get before you open that damn wrap. I got some sort of a sheep doll thingy. my thank you goes to bintang and christy for this one. keep sheeping with shaun the sheep guys. I kind of love you two but I'm too awkward to say that so... . OH and you know about how I want to read wuthering heights because of SHAfD? guess what? I'M FINALLY READING IT! I KNOW, RIGHT. so I gave my very special thanks to my very best friend, miss raras who someday will make a corporation that sells clothings and perfumes with her name on every product. oh wait, you guys aren't supposed to know that. and I'd say that I quite LOVE it. it's brilliant and I keep turning those pages oh my god let me air. so, birthday was fun.

I am officially turning into a room person. do you guys know what a room person is? a room person is a person who keeps staying in their room until the next day and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next.... AND the only time that person comes out of the room is when that person wants to eat. YES that is a perfect way to describe me. please don't be surprised if someday I just walk out of my room and I have a beard. duh. that's what staying inside of your room too long will do to you. A FREAKING BEARD. A LONG ONE. like the one dumbledore has. or had. or whatever. I'M A SLOPPY PERSON OKAY STOP IT WITH THOSE JUDGING EYES. *creys because I'm too weird to be true*

COMMUNIO. I fucking love it. love love love love ~ yes, we've found love inside it. all the lads and the lasses are awesome. it's funny how I can't keep my bad mood inside communio. they would like find a way to shoo them bad moods away. REMEMBER WHEN COMMUNIO PERFORMED DON'T STOP BELIEVING IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS? YEAH ME NEITHER. I swore to god it was the best night of my life. okay I'm not gonna blabber about communio that much because other classes are brilliant too i guess in their fuckin own way mate! *HAH I'M AN ENGLISH LASS NOW DEAL WITH IT*.

TEACHERS. oh my god teachers. don't let me start about those goddamn teachers. okay so maybe it's just me. I talk too much in class but fucking teachers are acting kind of shitty lately. I don't know. maybe they're on their puberty or something that makes those hormones of them grow like million times bigger and they lash it all up to us. I don't know. maybe somehow they got a disease that makes them getting a period every single day. I don' know. I really don't. or is it just me? am I just turning into another asshole? probably. well, assholes don't have any life. so I guess it fits me for now.

I wanted to tell you guys something. it's about me and how I think of friendships and of course best friends. so my mom got home from my hometown and she decided to clean my room up without warning me first. when I came home, I found that my room was... empty. I'd say empty because she got rid of aka threw away some of my stuff. that was an outrage. that's my fucking stuff and I can't believe she did that. she throwed away something that meant so much to me. a hat thingy that I got from my best friend. it has a shape of a... turtle? some sort of a green turtle with a cute face. and it has my name on it. yessica sukantow. even though it is made from a stupid carton, I appriciate it as a gift from my best friend. so when my mom threw it away just like that, I was angry. oh I was. I was bursting into rage. it's kind of weird though. this best friend of mine who gave it to me is not actually treating me as a best friend anymore. not after something happened to us. apparently, when I decided to tell the truth to him that I couldn't trust him to take care of my other best friend which he happens to "like", he said that from that moment on, I couldn't be his best friend anymore. and yeah, that's what happened. until now, I really don't get why telling the truth is such a crime. but I still can't get this thing out of my head. best friends aren't really just a thing for me. best friends are the best thing ever that could make life even greater than it was before. they're these little things in life that I cerish so much and have no expiration date. to me, they are. but apparently not to him. I have no rights to say things about other people. but I certainly have my own thoughts about them. And the last thing I want is to make judgements of other people to other people. I'm just not that hypocrite. the fact that I was so sad and angry about my mom throwing away that garbage meant that I'm not over it. I still couldn't face the reality that I've lost a best friend. I still couldn't help it but to blame myself for losing him. I don't know. I guess I'm just not that forgetful.

MADESU. I'm still working on chapter 21 guys oh my god I have so many great ideas but I'm just... blame those pikachues! do wait for it.

there is one thing that I want to complain about since I don't know when. it's about commenting other people's flaws. I hate it when people do that. like saying that I'm short. okay do you think I don't know that I am short? do you think I don't notice it? I'm not saying that being short is a flaw. no way. it's not a flaw whatsoever. but weirdly, people talk about it as if it is. same with saying that being fat is a flaw, being ugly is a flaw, being thin is a flaw, being stupid is a flaw, being gay is a flaw, and so many more. these things are not what I call as a flaw. these things are a part of life. people are just too stupid to accept them. you know what I call a flaw? a flaw is something that we should have had, but we don't. like not being able to see or hear or speak or walk or talk. those are flaws. why are people so stupid. and flaws aren't actually that bad. we're still alive. that's a huge thing. all we have to do is to survive from the flaws and live. that is all. no, don't ever say that being fat or short or thin or small is a sin. it's not. and don't say that out loud to the world. we have already known all of our flaws. you don't have to point it again for us. please. don't act like idiots. you may not know this but it could hurt other people's feelings. I beg you, stop doing this to other people. you're dumb. stop being such a twat, okay. please.

SO I THINK I'M DONE FOR TODAY'S CONFESSION. bye.... bitches.

Selasa, 22 November 2011

You put your arms around me and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go. You put your arms around me and I'm home. I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling.

Words fail me. Actions, not so much.

Remember SHAfD? It's the first best fanfiction I've ever read. Should Have Asked for Directions has changed my perspective towards love. Also giving me high hopes about things like romance and relationship. That is why I underestimate people around me. Apparently they don't understand love and romance like I expected. Even so, I tolerate them because face it, we're young and foolish. We don't do serious things. Well at least people around me. They're just looking for some fun, I guess. And believe me I'm totally cool with that. What I'm trying to say here is that I don't do fun. I take these things seriously. Do blame SHAfD. I think that people around me aren't as amusing as people in those stories. I wish.

Let me tell you a little something about SHAfD. First of all, this fanfic is the most amazing fanfic I've ever read so far. Wow I need to read some more. I started reading this since it was so out and about, or should I say trendy at that moment. People talk about it with so much excitement and I was more than interested. Second of all, it was true. Everything that people say about this fic. About how amazing and emotional it is. It is indeed a briliant fic. I feel so much. My emotions oh lord. Do you believe that I actually cried on a scene in this story? Yes, when Leroy died. That was heartbreaking. When Hiram realized that Rachel was happy.And so many more. The point is, this story is heck of an awesome one. I can't believe it made me want to read Wuthering Heights. Silly Dylan. I love you. But, there was this quote that keeps bugging me all the time until now. Can you believe that? It's a quote from the character Quinn.

Words fail me. Actions, not so much.

Quinn was a writer. Well, not really. She was a reader, I guess. She was amazing. And that quote, I can relate to that. Quinn loved her soulmate so much that she couldn't describe it with words. She couldn't talk about how much she wanted her soulmate. When they got into a fight, Quinn couldn't talk about how they could fix it. Could they? Quinn couldn't talk. But she could show how she wanted it to be. She wanted to make up. So she would kiss her soulmate and forget about everything. And then they would have sex. It was a weird love life actually. It kept going that way until her soulmate has had enough. Quinn couldn't talk about how she felt. But she could show it from actions. From kisses and embraces. And weirdly, I feel a lot like Quinn.

I'm not a verbal person. Not at all. As soon as I try to spill words from my mouth, they won't come out. Even though I find that annoying sometimes, I think it's really not that bad. It helps me from saying the wrong things. But hell I've been thinking about what to say so many times. I haven't found the right words. Because maybe there aren't any words that could perfectly describe what I am going through. This isn't a phase. This isn't lust. This is what I'm currently feeling. And I'm not an easy person who thinks that love is just a thing. Love is love. And literally no words could ever describe what it's like. But if you ask me, it feels like being kissed and stabbed at the same time. So, yeah it hurts. But it's worth it. Oh and apparently Edward Cullen was right. Love is like a heroin. You couldn't help but to want it more. But there's a correction on that one. The person you love is the heroin. You won't be able to resist them. And at the same time, you want them more and more each day. So, yeah that is what I would say about love. And if you ask me if I had felt love, I'd say yes.

And it felt so heavenly good.

Selasa, 15 November 2011

And I ain't too proud to tell you that I cry sometimes. I cry sometimes about it.

Everything hurts. I came to this point where I just don't know anymore. Things aren't as amusing as they used to be. I feel old. I feel like i need something else. My life at this moment is pretty much a wreck. I don't know where will I go. What will I do. What will I become. Who will I be. Everything seems so confusing. Home is frustrating. School doesn't do better. I'm a freaking middle highschooler for god's sake. I don't deserve this. I should be having fun. Enjoying my youth, right? I don't deserve any of this. The adults in my life are nothing but shrimp heads that don't even know how to deal with life. Why can't they just accept that life is supposed to be like this? Filled with problems and consequences. Moreover for adults like them. Even I know how to deal with such pain. When you love someone, you forgive them the moment they make any mistakes, right? Even though the person we love betray us like shit. But we still love them. It should mean something, right? Love should mean something, right? If that is love, then it doesn't exist for my parents. My faith is broken. So I ran. I saw no options left. But to who? Friends? Turns out, what I call as friends are disappointing. But as disappointing as they could be, they're still friends. Even though they're nice. The broke it. My inner vunerable side showed. It's broken. I'm hurt. The person that I care about, doesn't even take a look at me. It's all filled with fake promises. Fake. Everything. Nobody was ever there for me. And nothing ever make sense. Me against the world. Even though I have no more reason to stay awake. For now.

Selasa, 25 Oktober 2011

when you love someone but it goes to waste...

iliketosayfuckalot

we have oversexualized sex, we have oversexualized our childrens. and you know what that does? it turns your little girls into strippers. not exotic dancers, strippers.
bullies fall into one or more of the following three categories. number one, they're fucking stupid. don't try to find any deep philosophical meaning here, kids. they're fucking stupid. they're shaved apes. that's it. number two, small penises. but the whole small penises thing, it's science. and number three, they're closeted fags. yeah, i've said it. that's it. why do you think they're picking on you because of your sexuality? you're comfortable with yourself. they're not. so they lash out at you. and in case you haven't figured it out, the fact that you're comfortable with who you are, but they're not comfortable with who they are, means that you're stronger than them. don't let the sons of bitches have the satisfaction. because here's another little secret about bullies, they're gonna peak in high school. how fucking sad is that. you know what they're gonna end up doing? nothing. they will live inconsequential lives and they're gonna marry the first chick they get pregnant. it's science. 

PREACH. this man is a genius. gotta love him.

Senin, 24 Oktober 2011

Gue Inget

HAI teman teman. sudah lama ngga ngepost dalam bahasa yang lebih mudah dimengerti
gue yakin siapapun yang masih membuka udah bakal merasa "nih anak agak aneh sekali ya blognya isinya ga jelas semua"
dan gue disini cuma kayak
HAH!
tapi tiba2 gue berniat untuk membuat 1 post. ini juga karena belakangan ini gue sering banget yang namanya mimpi tentang jaman jaman gue dulu masih kecil. itu alasan mengapa judul post ini adalah gue inget. soalnya gue teringat akan bermacam hal yang bikin gue ketawa sendiri. dan ya mungkin gue bakal cerita gimana kabar gue sekarang. lumayanlah daripada nganggur.

gue inget, dulu pas nyokap gue lagi mandi, gue siap2 berdiri di depan kamar mandi megang handuk udah kayak pelayan restoran bintang 5. ya tuhan gue gatau kenapa gue tiba2 punya dorongan untuk melakukan hal tersebut. anehnya. mungkin gue kira nyokap gue ga bawa handuk ke dalem. dan itu mustahil. tapi pas nyokap gue keluar, dia kaget ngeliat gue tepat di depan pintu kamar mandi. dan gue liat nyokap gue udah lengkap berpakaian.
agak kicep.

gue inget, dulu pas gue masih sd kelas 5, gue dan kawan2 seperjalanan satu kelas gue dapet tugas seni budaya yaitu menari. pokoknya yang gue inget tuh gue 1 kelompok sama temen gue namanya ruth maria sama wikan. yang lain lupa HAHA jahat ya gue. kita benar2 sangat tidak tahu mau pake lagu apa dan mau nari apa. jadi kita putuskan untuk pake lagu yang waktu itu lagi ngetren (definisi ngetren disini: lagu indo yang sering dinyanyiin sama anak2 slamer, sekolah abal). DAN pada saat itu, yang paling sering dinyanyiin adalah JENG JENG metal vs dugem oleh project pop HAHAHAH. pokoknya sekarang lo semua buka dulu link itu. sambil dengerin lagunya, sambil baca cerita gue agar lebih mendalami.

konyolnya, gue sama tim nari gue milih lagu itu HAHAH dan lebih konyolnya lagi, kita mau improvisasi. jadi kelompok kita dibagi menjadi 2. anak2 metal dan anak2 dugem. gue? pastinya metal.
paling kerjaan gue cuma ngangguk ngangguk HAHA. sumpah waktu itu alay parah kita sampe pake topi dimiringin dan sapu tangan dimana mana. TAPI, karena kita pikir lagu dan tarian itu terlalu aneh buat ditampilkan di depan kelas untuk tugas seni budaya, maka kita ganti lagi di menit menit terakhir. padahal mungkin kalo kita tampil pake ide project pop, kita bakal unik. makanya pas pada bilang ganti tarian, gue langsung nyesek HAHA

gue inget, pas gue diajak ke kelapa gading sama bokap dan nyokap gue. kita sekeluarga ceritanya pada mau ya main main dan cari makan. gue udah lupa umur gue berapa waktu itu. pokoknya masih kecil banget kelas 1 atau 2 sd. tapi gue inget 1 hal, kita main bowling. gue yang belom pernah main bowling sangat bersemangat untuk mencoba
dan lo tau, gue termasuk salah satu anak yang inventif dalam hal lagu. buktinya, gue sering banget yang namanya bikin lagu. lagu2 buatan gue dulu yang sampe sekarang masih gue inget adalah lagu berjudul jelly. berikut liriknya

jelly- yessica

jelly, jelly, jelly
aku sangat suka ndul-ndulmu
jelly jelly jelly jelly jelly jelly
jelly jelly jelly jelly jelly jelly
kau indah dan berwarna warni

HAHAHAH lumayanlah kalo udah kehabisan lagu untuk didengar tinggal bikin sendiri. lagu jelly gue bikin pas gue masih kelas 2 sd mungkin. udah lupa. kembali ke pembahasan.

jadi gue main bowling. tapi sebelum gue main, gue udah sempet bikin lagu yang sampe sekarang juga masih gue inget persis nada dan liriknya. lagu ini gue dedikasikan untuk temen gue si orang bali bernama nyoman HAHA anjrit gatau kenapa nama doi muncul di lagu gue yang satu ini. berikut liriknya

di kelapa gading- yessica

di kelapa gading
aku bermain bowling
bersama nyoman dan teman temanku
ada putri ada siapa

nadanya sama persis kayak bagian chorus kesha- take it off HAHAH sumpah ga boong kayaknya kesha berhasil mencuri dari gue! HAHAH udahlah sepertinya emang lebih bagus take it off daripada di kelapa gading... NYESEK.

gue inget, gue pernah nginep di hotel apa gitu di puncak. pokoknya hotel yang luas dan sejuk yang punya fasilitas bersepeda. hotel itu udah jadi hotel langganan gue setiap kali kita sekeluarga ke puncak buat liburan. jadi suatu saat pas gue masih kecil, gue bersepeda pagi2 bareng abang gue. gue masih kecil sampe2 kaki gue ga menyentuh tanah pas gue naik sepeda sewaannya. tapi, biasalah, anak liar bersepeda ya asal bisa dinaikin aja. gue bersepeda ngikutin abang gue dengan bahagia
trus abang gue di depan berhasil melewati rintangan yang berat berupa belokan tajam yang mematikan soalnya kalo gagal, lo bakal kecemplung ke got raksasa. dan gue merasa tertantang. "HAH gue juga bisa gitu doang!" jadi gue dengan pede super berusaha untuk melewati belokan mematikan.
dan yang terjadi berikutnya
gue jatoh ke dalam lubang got raksasa HAHAH. kejadiannya aneh juga soalnya gue ga belok sama sekali. dan itu agak goblok. gue sampe nangis nangis dan kesakitan kaki gue ketusuk batu allahuakbar. akhirnya gue diangkat sama bokap gue dan kita ga pernah mau ke hotel itu lagi HAHAH.

gue inget, gue bareng keluarga ke novotel bogor pas lagi ngapain gitu. yang jelas bukan liburan. waktu itu gue masih kecil kira2 kelas 3 sd. gue sama adek gue dengan iseng main2 di lift. gatau deh ngapain. cuma main2 asal pencet tombol.
trus kita kan udah kayak ketawa ketiwi ga jelas kayak orang gila sampe2 liftnya berhenti dan nyangkut tidak bisa bergerak. SANGAT HORROR. pertama sih kita kayak ketawa ketawa doang soalnya gatau apa yang sedang terjadi HAHA tapi lama kelamaan liftnya ga gerak gerak kita berdua nangis di dalam dengan histeris HAHAH "GIMANA WOI KALO KITA GA BISA KELUAR YA OLOH YA OLOH YA OLOH YA OLOH WOI WOI LIFTNYA BERHENTI WOI WOI WOI MAS MAS HOTELNYA MANA WOI SELAMATKAN KITA!!!!!"
habis itu kita mencet2 tombol yang buat manggil bantuan HAHAH trus mas mas yang ngejawab tuh bingung mo ngomong apa soalnya kita udah histeris "iya dek sabar ya.. emm... tungg- ... sshh sabar ya sabar" HAHAH kasian juga ya. akhirnya kita diselamatkan oleh unit pembuka lift dan langsung keluar lari naik tangga dan balik ke kamar. sejak saat itu gue ga pernah mau naik lift di novotel bogor selamanya.

belakangan ini, hidup gue sangatlah datar kawan.
gatau kenapa. mungkin karena gue udah agak bosan di vincent ato mungkin karena gue pengen cepet2 ganti suasana ato gimana gue ga ngerti. belakangan ini pun ga ada yang menarik. tapi gue mau cerita tentang saat gue menemukan foto2 adam levine dan pacarnyayangpunyanamatapiguelupanamanyasekarang untuk russian vogue. ya sebenernya sih udah agak kemaren kemaren kemaren kemaren kemaren. tapi bakal gue review sekarang. gue sedang menghabiskan waktu seperti biasa di internet sampai2 gue menemukan
gue sendiri udah kayak

tapi venna
jadi akhirnya gue, venna, dan naomi ngalay di facebook pagenya maroon 5.

klik gambarnya oke.

sebenernya masih banyak sih yang gue inget. tapi gue udah capek dan blah blah. sekian.

Minggu, 23 Oktober 2011

"I miss my sister. Every night at ten or so, she used to call me on the phone… And when I asked her why, she told me that her body told her she wanted to hear my voice. I miss my sister. The smell of her shampoo. The way she could always convince me to read her another book. When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are… You can always feel them. And now every time I reach for that tether, I know there's no one on the other end, and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness. Then I remember Jean. I remember a life led with no enemies, no resentments, no regrets, and I'm inspired to get up out of bed and go on. I miss my sister so much. It feels like a piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time I want to hold her. Ten more seconds, is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can't, and I won't. Now the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that Jean would kill me if I did. So for now, I'm just going to miss her. I love you, Jeanie. Rest in peace."

I decided I didn't like funerals very much. 


I was turning into Santana again, heart hurtingI wanted to explain my fear. I wanted to tell her that I felt her attached to me, heart and soul. That every time she exhaled, I inhaled as if I might catch the same air. That when her heart beat, mine echoed it, a perfect harmony. I wanted to tell her that I understood Coach Sylvester's speech and that I was afraid of our tether breaking, afraid of losing her, afraid she'd leave me alone and I would fall into that nothingness that coach had mentioned. I wanted to tell her that I thought it was probably dark down there and I'd always been afraid of the dark and I didn't want to go anywhere that she didn't light up with her presence.

But then I realized that as long as our hearts were still beating, the tether would forever be unbroken. And even then, I thought, maybe it only stretched from earth to Heaven until we met up and it could snap us back together again.

I lost my mind. It's somewhere out there stranded. I think you stand under me if you don't understand me. Had my heart broken by this woman named Tammy. But hoes gonna be hoes so I couldn't blame Tammy.

Senin, 17 Oktober 2011

You said I killed you - haunt me, then! The murdered do haunt their murderers, I believe. I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you.

Madesu: Secrets

HEY guys so chapter 20! whoa. LONG UPDATE YEAH I'M A MOTHERFUCKING ASS. i know. so many distractions i don't even know where to start. say hello to my best friend youtube. HAH! you guys already know that.... i can't even... i'm a sad person. oh i'm going to get lots and lots of dates. lots and lots and lots of dates. wanna go out with me? yeah just dial my number 555 - asshole. OKAY I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING SO... i'm kind of weird. so... PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. okay i guess i'll just go with it. i'm gonna show some thaji (thalia aji) lol their ship name. and a few other stuff like ekwin or franna or something. ya know i haven't planned the story. i'm such a badass. well i don't know how this chapter will be because chapter 19 already set the bar so high. i know it was so awesome. i have some distraction from this fic, like homeworks! seriously i get that alot lately. however, enjoy!

venna woke up early that morning. ugh school day. winning sectionals maybe nice, but sadly, she wasn't a superstar that could skip school to sing in concerts. yet. it was her dream to do so. to be an artist. maybe it wasn't like her, but nobody ever knew her. everyone had a dream. and that was hers. she wanted to sing. she wanted to create an art from words and melody. she wanted to jump to a crowd who were cheering for her. she wanted to feel the tension and the adrenaline from singing on a huge stage in front of everyone. she wanted her face on the people magazine. hell she wanted her face on all magazines.

well there was nothing else to do besides going to school. her house wasn't that exciting either. her parent was there. sleeping. yeah, parent. she wore her cheerio outfit. it looked nice on her. like always. after taking a last look at the mirror, she grabbed her bag and went outside. venna walked to school. since it was only a few blocks away.

she finally found the school. she stood in front of it. it was still so early. no one was there. clearly. she went inside and walked around the halls. she wasn't really doing anything. she was just.... thinking. when she had nothing to do, she always thought about something. whatever it was. she thought about school. teachers. students. she thought about her first day of school. she was a transfered junior. it wasn't that tough. she had it all. the looks, the brain, the innocence. too bad she was too young to know how to use them right. after the accident with michael and how things have been with fransis, she wasn't sure about how things were.

she wasn't sure about her feelings. she wasn't sure about what will happen. she wasn't sure about what she wanted to happen. and being unsure about everything was killing her. she wanted to know. she wanted to finish. she wanted to make it stop. yes. make it stop. make this feeling of confusion to stop. but suddenly, something snapped her.

"hey. you okay?" asked someone behind her

venna turned around and saw a blonde "oh. it's you" said venna to darrent "er, i'm okay. no biggy"

"well you don't look like you are" said darrent

venna sighed. the guy wasn't idiot enough to believe that she was okay "you got me there" she said

"wanna talk about it?" he asked

"about what?"

darrent stepped closer "about you. about how things are. i can help"

"you can't" said venna

"it won't hurt to try" he said

she looked down for a second and looked back at him. she thought. he might be able to help. he might. she just knew he might. first of all, he was blonde. maybe it could somehow gave them some sort of a connection? and second of all, he was a neutral dude. no sides. and venna really needed help. like, really. maybe he wasn't the smartest guy on the planet, but he knows when something was wrong.

so darrent and venna went to the roof of the school. it was nice. the weather was nice. the roof was kind of beautiful with a garden. venna told him everything.

"i just... it's just so confusing, ya know?" said venna

"i know. i've been there"

"funny"

"what's funny?" asked darrent

"funny when you're so sure about who you want and the next day your feelings just... change" said venna while gazing to the sky

"yeah well, teenagers" he said

she chuckled "i know, right? teenagers have the weirdest love lives ever"

"and the most hurtful ones" continued darrent

"not gonna argue with that" said venna "i mean, you loved someone, it felt so good when you're together and everything, you got up to a fight, you broke up, you saw him with another girl, and you felt so damn... so damn...sad" said venna

"yep. sad. it's a little pathetic though when you're sad and angry at yourself because you just can't stop loving this person" said darrent

"i know!" shouted venna "it's so frustrating when you can't stop loving someone that's not with you. it's just that.... seeing fransis with another girl.... it's just hurting me because of how he's with the wrong girl. i mean, hello"

he giggled "yeah it doesn't feel right, does it?"

"totally"

"but hey. what if you're being selfish? what if he's happy with her? i mean, what if" said darrent

venna thought about it awhile. he was right. he was so right. what if, right? she stopped her thoughts "you might be right" she said

"if you truly love someone then... you just have to learn how to let him go. how to let him be happy even thought you're not. right?"

venna laughed "maybe. but it's a different case i'm dealing with now. see, the thing is, i might not be in love with fransis anymore"

"are you sure?"

"positive. i'm still thinking about him constantly, but how i think about him now is different from how i used to think about him" said venna

"uhhhh" darrent looked confused. because of that sentence. duh. he wasn't that much of a catcher.

"look, the point is, i'm still confused about my feelings. but i think this feeling is fading away. i don't know why but it is. it turns weaker day by day. it doesn't feel the same when i'm with him. i feel like.... like it's no use. ya know? i love him, of course. but what if he doesn't? it's no use for me to love him when he doesn't love me" said venna

"so, the point is, you're giving up?" asked darrent

"i don't know. what i know is i think loving him won't do any good for me. it just ruins me even more. knowing that he might not love me back" she said

"he might not love you back"

"but still, we can't live like this. keeping our feelings and trying to get rid of it. i just can't. maybe if i found a way to finish it with him then i won't be this miserable" said venna

"you need to figure your feelings out first" said darrent

"how?" asked venna

"talk to him"

"that's it?"

darrent stood up and put on his hat "like i've said. it won't hurt to try" he said with a smile. he offered venna a hand to stand up

venna smiled and took it. he was right. yes. but somehow, venna didn't even think about how right darrent was. she thought about how sweet he was.

=========================
"so, i was wondering..." said edwin

"yeah?" asked eka back

"i mean i think i've been gay for awhile" he said

eka looked at edwin confusedly "um.... okay?" 

"and nobody knows this but you" said edwin 

"and?" 

"i feel like... i don't know. like it's not enough" 

eka made an o shape on his mouth "so you want to come out" said eka

"well yeah but, not to everyone" whispered edwin. they were at school, so gotta keep it down

eka stopped for a second. just to think. aha. he knew "oh. so parents?" 

"yeah. parents" said edwin

"are you sure they're ready?" asked eka

"well they are my parents. don't you think they deserve to know about this?" 

"of course. but, it's just... ya know. i came out to my parents and then things get so wrecked" said eka

"your parents" said edwin

eka smiled "yeah, my parents. it's been awhile"he looked down. trying to hide it. the pain. 

sadly it didn't work. edwin saw it clearly "i'm sorry" said edwin while rubbing eka's back just to comfort him.

"good luck then" said eka while taking his bag and walked away

something was up. something was always up with eka. he was just so sure about who he was. at least it was how edwin saw him. but there was just something wrong. maybe it was about parents. maybe it was doubts about who he was. maybe he was just tired. edwin didn't know. so many things could be up. and edwin worried sick about eka. well that was definitely something.

thalia was taking some stuff from her locker. she was just doing things that a popular cheerios does. being hot and bitchy. today was nothing special. she was kind of worn out because of sectionals and the celebration party that was hell of exhausting. she swore that she could've still taste the alcohol in her mouth. it stayed in her mouth for almost two days. she guessed the madesu club did the party hard thing. even though as far as she knew, they have been partying for just twice. thalia closed her locker and found two arms wrapped her stomach from her behind. she was shocked from that sudden action, but she could recognize those arms anywhere.

"hey, gorgeous" said aji after kissing thalia's cheek

"hey to you too" she said. her face redden for.... uknown reasons

"so i was just thinking that maybe we could go out for a date later this night"

"um well.. "

"i don't take no for an answer, my lady. so i'll pick you up at six?" asked aji

"but.. "

"great. see you tonight" said aji. he kissed her cheek again and went away.

he didn't even let her talk. thalia leaned her back to her locker and stared at aji who was walking away. she smiled. he got like this special charm that worked perfectly on her. damn you curly dude.

michael and the rest of the football players were practicing on the field. apparently they'll have a big game next week for regionals football competition. the football team in vincentius high wasn't a bad team. they won nationals two years in a row. they definitely wasn't a bad team. looked like the bruises and scars from late football practice was well payed.

the boys weren't really in a fit condition. hard partying, remember? michael looked sick, darrent's face was green, evodie held his stomach all the time during practice, and fransis looked like he could puke anytime. well nobody wanted that to happen. but it did. fransis as the quarterback gave directions to the other player, but it seemed like he didn't give the right ones. the whole team was a mess during practice. and because of that, coach agung, the football coach, a really sloppy man with a golf cart, called fransis.

"what are you trying to do to the team? you all look like a bunch of idiots" said coach agung "well, i mean, you are a bunch of idiots, but this time you all look like idiots with no brains"

fransis looked at him while narrowing his eyes "wait, is that even possible?"

"that's not the point, you dumb bag. the team is so messed up today''

"i know, coach"

coach agung was waiting angrily for explanations "and?"

"and i think i'm going to throw up, sir" said fransis while holding his stomach and putting the sick look on his face.

"you think this is a joke? well i oughta-"

but before coach agung could finish his sentence, he could feel a mushy liquid on his shoes. oops. fransis puked right in front of him. well actually he puked on him. it was just.... ew. coach agung didn't say anything. he was totally speechless in a shock kind of way. fransis wiped his mouth and he was waiting for coach to drop the bomb to him. but well, coach agung fainted. seemed like he wasn't really a friend of pukes. in fact, he hated it so much that it made him pass out.

hey, come on. look at the bright side. fransis didn't get to be yelled at for the rest of the day.

damn that party. just... damn.

fransis went to the locker room and changed. the football team was a mess already, so he didn't want to add some more. he felt a little bit better now after the puke thingy. but still, he couldn't stop thinking about one thing. it kept going on and on in his head.

venna.

well it wasn't a surprise at all. he was in love with her but he tried not to be. he tried hard. but not hard enough to fall out of love. he had her. he messed up. he lost her. he wanted her back. he wanted her back big time. he didn't know though if it was love. but it probably was. because after everything that they've been through. he just couldn't believe that he tried to forget her. it didn't work. but still, he tried. and it just broke his heart. the fact that he tried to throw away his love and replace it with something that was unreal.

fransis and venna was real.

their love was real. their laughs were real. their affections were real. their hugs were real. their kisses were real. their love story was definitely real. but sadly, their break up was also real. break ups, to be precise. they've been on and off and on and off. and it was neither sad or confusing. what were they doing? were they just some sort of an item? or was it something more?

that freaking question is the most annoying question that anyone has ever think about.

love is huge. well it is. we can't just run around and tell some random person about how we love them. no, we can't. love is something different. love is something that we can't underestimate. if we love someone, then we probably have this strange different feelings towards this someone. yes. love isn't just love. it's love. it's special. and sometimes it also hurts.

but fransis didn't know love. he didn't know anything about it. all he knew was he loved her. and that was the weird part. he didn't care. he wasn't much of a thinker like evodie. he went for it. and he usually nailed it. and he prayed to god that he could nail this one. because this one was the only thing that mattered to him. for now.

michael and the other boys went inside the locker room. it kinda surprised fransis. but then he heard some of what michael was saying

"if you want that bike, then you have to go to it now and do whatever it takes to have it" said michael to one of the boys.

fransis got a wake up call from that. now. if he wanted venna he need to do it now and he need to do whatever it takes to have her. now. he stood up and hugged michael.

"thanks bro" said fransis to michael while hugging him.

fransis went outside. leaving michael and the boys with many extremely confused faces. fransis ran fastly to go and get his girl. his freaking girl.

meanwhile, michael was trying to figure out how to get his girl back. ugh. he never thought that it would be this hard. and he couldn't ask anyone to help him. could he? well there was this one person that could definitely help him at the moment.

chacha.

she could. she knew everything about naomi. best friends for life, remember? but would she? well she loved her. he loved her too. wouldn't it be weird for michael to ask help from chacha, his "possibly enemy"? well yeah it wasn't a competition to get naomi, but with chacha, it felt like it was. michael decided to ask for some help from chacha even though he knew what she felt about naomi. chacha already told him to go get his girl, so she would probably help him. he just hoped that she would.

naomi and michael were still not talking. they barely looked at each other. but it was like avoiding air. and fyi we can not avoid air what so ever. naomi tried to avoid michael's gaze and michael tried to avoid hers. it was all awkward. what were they doing? he loved her, she loved him, maybe, then why weren't they together? ah teenage dramas. michael was standing in front of his locker when he saw chacha walking towards naomi. he watched them closely but not in a stalker kind of way. he pretended like he was doing stuff with his locker. chacha met naomi. both girls with the green cheerios uniform. blue eyes met brown. michael couldn't hear what they were talking about. he just watched.

"hey" said chacha

"hi" said naomi while stopping what she was doing and looked right at those baby blue. she shifted her weight to her right foot.

"i think i owe you an apology" said chacha "that's the right sentence, right?"

naomi couldn't help but to chuckle "yeah, it is"

"i learn that from a movie" she said "anyway, i'm sorry, naomi"

"you shouldn't be" said naomi

"but i've ruin everything. and i know i shouldn't have followed my evil side"

"it's okay. and i'm the one who should be sorry"

"what for?" asked chacha with an innocence in her tone

"for... for not returning your feelings" said naomi while looking down. her hands nervously playing with her skirt "i feel so bad about it. you're my best friend"

"please don't. it's not your fault. we can't control our feelings. don't feel guilty" said chacha "as long as you're happy"

as long as you're happy.

"you know i love you" said naomi

"i know" of course she knew. naomi was sort of a bitch. she acted like one to everyone in this school. except for chacha. from the moment they met, chacha knew naomi was treating her differently. their attitude was like fire and water. naomi's attitude was the complete opposite of chacha's. but somehow, naomi liked how different they were. because the difference in chacha was different. she was innocent. adorable. bubbly and glee. she was that type of person that could go with anyone. especially with naomi. naomi loved the way chacha could stop her from doing something. like saying a bad word. or doing a bad thing. even though naomi was the boss of her own, she couldn't help but to do whatever chacha says. it was like some sort of a control that she had on naomi.

"walk with me to spanish?" asked naomi while offering her pinky

"gladly" said chacha. she took it and they walked happily to spanish class. even though someone was still holding her feelings.

as long as you're happy.

michael saw that. he thought about it. what did chacha said to naomi? he felt like somehow chacha was one step ahead of him. like somehow this was a competition to get naomi. he needed to talk to chacha. asap.

yasmine was walking to her locker. she opened it and a piece of paper fell from it. she took it and found a note.

i miss you -a


she smiled. what a boy she had. but when she was smiling, evodie walked into his locker, which was right next to yasmine's, with a horrible look. someone was up all night.

"you look nice" said yasmine

"thank you, i tried so hard not to look like absolute shit" said evodie sarcasticly

"is that a new shirt?" she asked

"cut the crap, yas. i look like a zombie" he said

she laughed "yes, you do. so what's up with that?"

"i didn't sleep. i couldn't sleep" said evodie "thinking about a particular person that dumped me for someone else"

"no way" said yasmine with a curious look "chacha found someone else?"

"apparently she did. but i don't know the guy. the second i know who it is i'm going to kick his as-"

"stop right there, sir. i tend not to use words with violence or body parts in it" said yasmine

he giggled "you're so cheesy"

"yes and everyone loves me" she said "about your problems"

"well, i won't give up that easily. it's going to be hard to get rid of me" said evodie

"that's the spirit. show her that you're willing to give everything to have her" she said

"yeah" said evodie with big amount of anthusiasm in the words "hey, yas"

"hm?"

evodie placed his right hand to her left shoulder "thanks. for being here" he smiled

and she returned it "no problem" oh that sweet smile of hers. evodie adored her smile. it was precious "now give me my lunch for today" continued yasmine

"aw man, you just ruined our best friends moments there" said evodie while opening his bag and gave her a sandwich

she laughed. that laugh. "thank you" said yasmine. before she walked away, she said "keep it coming, vod"

and he watched her go with a huge grin. apparently she was the only one that could bring a smile in his face. today was going to suck if he had to go through it without his little brunette.

"okay guys, so congrats again for winning sectionals. but, there are still regionals and nationals for us to win" said mr veri "regionals is on next week. we have to prepare a set list. anyone has any idea?"

"i got one, mr v" said alfons. he smiled at yasmine and stood up.

"great, let's hear it then" said mr veri while sitting down.

alfons went to grab a guitar and started singing.

Called you for the first time yesterday
I finally found the missing part of me
I felt so close but you were far away
Left me without anything to say


alfons smiled. he looked at everyone who started to sing along or made some harmonies. it was just nice.


Now I'm speechless over the edge, I'm just breathless
I never thought that I'd catch this lovebug again
Hopeless, head over heels in the moment
I never thought that I'd get hit by this lovebug again


fransis was singing along. finally he could see venna here in madesu club. he has been searching for her everywhere. him and venna shared a view awkward stares through the song. he kept looking at her. that was why venna felt so awkward. she wondered why he kept staring at her. somehow it made her nervous. it was like he had something to say. and that something was going to change everything.


I can't get your smile out of my mind
I think about your eyes all the time
You're beautiful but you don't even try
Modesty is just so hard to find


alfons couldn't keep his eyes off of his gal. she was resting her chin on her fist. she was smiling. god, that smile. oh god. just look at her. his stomach twirled. and he liked it. he liked the way yasmine made his stomach twirl uncontrolably. it tickled.


Now I'm speechless over the edge, I'm just breathless
I never thought that I'd catch this lovebug again
Hopeless, head over heels in the moment
I never thought that I'd get hit by this lovebug again


albert who was sitting, stood up to show some of his moves. he just needed to dance. dancing was kind of his thing. it was like something he used to show his feelings. to express it. he danced so gracefully around alfons who was sitting and playing the guitar. albert smiled during the song. it actually reminded him of the day he fell in love. the same day when the girl he loved decided to date another guy. ouch. but still, good times.


I kissed her for the first time yesterday
Everything I wished that it would be
Suddenly I forgot how to speak
Hopeless, breathless, baby can't you see?


everyone was feeling so good. so happy. so cheered up. this song reminded every one of them about this special person that made them fell in love. they stood up and started dancing and everything.


Now I'm speechless over the edge, I'm just breathless
I never thought that I'd catch this lovebug again
Now I'm hopeless, head over heels in the moment
I never thought that I'd get hit by this lovebug again


Oh Lovebug again


when the song finished, applauses were all over the place. it was just a nice song for all of them to have fun with. alfons finished the song with a huge smile. he stood up and went to his chair. before he sat down, yasmine stood up and gave him a peck on his cheek. and the world just stopped spinning.

"that was great, alfons" said mr v "really good job. okay that is one in the bucket. guys, i have a special assignment for all of you tomorrow."

mr veri went to the whiteboard and wrote "secrets" on it. the club was excited but they had no idea what the task was.

"i was watching pretty little liars last night. it is a very fun tv show to watch" said mr v. the girls shared a few giggles because they never thought that mr veri would watch that kind of show "and from that show, i got a feeling that a secret can be so dangerous. it keeps us distant. i'm not trying to strip you off. i just want you guys to tell one of your secrets in front of the club tomorrow. each and every one of you. secrets can be a burden. and maybe we can help each other through it all. okay guys, see you tomorrow"

and with that, the madesu club was over for the day. fransis quickly went to talk to venna. venna was already out of the choir room, so he had to ran to get her. the halls were empty. the rest of the club were already out. but for some reason venna didn't go with the girls. she walked through the empty halls. her right hand was traveling around the walls and lockers and doors and everything while her left was holding her cheerio jacket. she thought. again. she was starting to think that maybe this was her problem. thinking too much. but she couldn't stop herself. it was a bit dark. she didn't care. her feet stopped in front of a case with trophies in it. footballs, cheerios, volleys, basketballs. everything. she could see her own reflection from the glass case.

"what the hell is wrong with you?" asked the man to his wife


"i don't know" said corry


"then why the hell-" but before eko could finish his sentence, corry interrupted


"you know what? maybe the problem is you. maybe you're wrong" she said with an angry tone


"how in the world that i have to be blamed in this situation?" asked eko furiously "you're the one who did it"


"yes. i did it and i was wrong. but i did it because of you" said corry. the sound of hard rain didn't even stop her voice


"god dammit tell me what i did wrong?" he said "tell me why you fucked another man without me knowing it" eko was out of control. he threw his hand on the kitchen counter. it hurt seriously until it was bleeding. but not as much as how his heart was bleeding.


corry could not contain the tears anymore. she let it go even though she held it from when this conversation started "you don't give me what i need"


"don't you ever say that. i gave you everything" said eko. he was sad to see his wife crying in front of him. but he didn't want to lose his pride


"then you didn't give me enough" she said


"what? what is it that i didn't give to you?" asked eko with anger on his tone "you slept with him. you fucking slept with your fucking friend. i told you not to hang out with bastards"


"you didn't give me affection, ko. i need to know how much you want me. how much you love me. i need a man that i don't have to ask for a kiss. when i'm with you, i feel like you don't want me to be yours" screamed corry. she was letting it all out. she could no longer contain all the angers and rage and scars inside her.


and it hit him. that explanation hit eko like a truck. he felt his heart stopped pumping. well it felt like it was stopping. sadly, it didn't. she was right. eko wasn't the type of man that could show his wife all of love that he had in his heart. but he swore to everything he had that he loved corry so much. he loved her more than he loved himself. more than he loved anything. he loved her, okay. but corry was also the type of woman that needed proof. she needed to know. if he showed it, then he loved her. if he didn't show it, then his love didn't exist. they used to be perfect for each other. used to be. where were they now?


they were getting older.


they were getting tired. they were getting sick. they were getting to be nothing. corry was still crying. her right fist was placed on her chest and her left hand was on the counter. holding herself from falling. she was shaking. why? she didn't know. meanwhile, the blonde man who stood across her was anything but shaking. he was standing still. his fist was no longer on the counter. it moved to settle on his side. his blonde hair was not so blonde anymore. his shiny face now turned into grey. though he was still good looking in a suit as usual.


"but you have to sleep with another guy to make you feel good about yourself?" asked eko again.


"it's not entirely my fault" said the woman who was wearing a suit as well. seemed like they were just gone back home from work late at night. he rubber his temple.


"but it's sti-" eko haven't finished that sentence when a voice startled them.


"mom? dad? is everything alright?" asked venna while rubbing her eyes.


eka and corry were surprised at venna. both went silent. venna could clearly see that her mother was crying. it made her wonder. she had no clue. her face was exhausted. she could see guilt inside her light brown eyes. but what and why? then venna could see her father. his hazel eyes. pretty much like hers. he walked towards venna and hugged her. 


eko hugged his daughter with so much love. she could feel it. and she returned it. eko pulled away. venna tried to read him. the expression on his face was... sad. she frowned. something was wrong. but then she noticed that he looked at her differently. he faked a smile. she saw it. but from the look on his eyes, he showed hopes. hopes on her. neither said anything. eko kissed her forehead. and somehow venna felt like this was going to be her last moment of seeing her father. he took his keys and left the house. 


"i'm so sorry, sweetie" said corry.

the memory went through venna when she saw her reflection. after last night, her father was nowhere to be found. she didn't know what happen between her parents. he just knew that her father left. corry haven't filled her with explanations. it was okay though. venna wasn't so sure if she wanted to know why her father left. her parents were always fighting. she was used to it. but she knew that this time it was different. because usually her father would be home in the morning even though he left the night before. this time, he didn't. and venna.. frankly she could care less about the drama that has been going on in her house. eko and her wasn't so close after all. venna knew her mother, but not her father. there was always this distance between them. but her mother was her best friend.

that was all she knew.

and that was all she wanted to know. the less i know, the better. that was her thought about her parents. enough was too much. she was standing there with her mind elsewhere when fransis walked behind her. she could see his reflection behind hers. she didn't turn around. her fingers danced on the glass.

"do you remember our first kiss?" asked venna. still wasn't facing fransis. but she saw the small change on his lips. she smiled. it was the kind of smile that rarely happens. he couldn't tell what was it for "i know you do"

then venna continued with her eyes gazing over the trophies. she said "it was the day when you told me that you truly loved me. and i know you did"

"i don't get the point" said fransis

"we haven't reached the point, sis" said venna "you said you don't know why you loved me. you just did. and i was so mezmerized by your words. how you look me in the eyes, how you do that nervous thing with your hands, how your hands were shaking, how you say them from your heart without thinking. i loved that"

fransis smiled. remembering everything that happened that night.

"where are them now?" asked venna

"they are here, waiting for you" said fransis

she let out a small giggle "no, they're not" she turned around and faced fransis "they're gone"

fransis didn't say anything. he looked down and tried to say something. anything. please.

"things will never be the same. that feeling that you used to give to me is... not there anymore" she said while looking at the floor

"i'm sure we can find it. just give me time" said fransis

"time time time" said venna with a sarcastic tone "i gave you time. and what did you do? replace me with someone else"

"i was stupid and lost" said fransis "please, ven. give me a chance"

"do you mean another chance?" asked venna "i'm done giving chances. especially to you"

"i... " fransis wasn't sure of what he was going to say "i just... "

"you what?" asked venna "you're sorry?"

"well i am, but- "

"so you're sorry, huh? wow. that is so awesome, isn't it? you said 'i love you' to a girl, dumped her like shit, and all you can say is you're sorry?" she was a little bit angry. anger had her.

"i'm sorry, okay. i don't know what to say, but i'm really really sorry. i love you and i swear to god this time i will love you right" said fransis

she gave him a laugh "sure you will. i know you will. you're as stupid as a shrimp. but i know you can learn from this. it's just that... it took so much time to get you there. feelings can change, sis. and like i said, i'm done giving chances" said venna with full power in this conversation. she turned around and walked away.

"ven, wait" said fransis. she turned her head slightly to her left where she could see him, but not entirely "i'm just... i'm just really sorry. please... "

she waited for a minute. this was it. her last chance to have him back. but she didn't want to lose her pride. she didn't want to get back together with him and face this all over again. she was tired. she thought that it would be best if they weren't together. even though deep down, she knew that she still got some pieces of him. and he still got some of hers. but it wouldn't be great for them to keep ruining themselves. she made her decision within a few seconds.

yes. this is it.

"you know, sometimes a few 'i'm sorry's can not change everything. sometimes you just can't change anything" she said before turning her head back and walked away just like that.

leaving fransis with a crumbled hope, when hope was all he needed.

================================

prom prom  prom prom prom yes prom i'll be back in prom prom prom

anya was sitting on her couch. tapping her foot to the floor with a quick rhythm. placing her palm on her forehead while her elbow was leaning on her thighs. she couldn't stop thinking about it. well yeah going back to school will be great. but what if everything changes? what if things weren't like they used to be? what if she'll feel different? what if everyone has forgotten her? that would suck. although she'll be back on prom, that was two more weeks to go. yeah. still a long time. but she couldn't help it. she didn't know what she has to feel. excited or afraid.

suddenly she felt a breeze of wind on her right ear.

"not now, mom" said anya while rubbing her ear

but the wind was still affecting her with its ways. anya stood up and went to her bedroom. she let her body fell to the bed. she sighed. her mom won't stop taking care of her. it was just so her mom to do so. anya's mom just couldn't let her go. could she? was it the problem? it probably was. anya looked at the ceiling when she heard the bathroom door slammed softly. she tilted her head so she could see the bathroom door.

the shadow form was there. leaning its shoulder to the door. watching every movement that anya made. it was kind of creepy. but it didn't feel creepy. it felt safe. but cold. so cold. she didn't like the coldness. she told dami once. twice. but he didn't listen. he didn't believe in such thing. such thing as ghosts. he said that it might be a trauma or some hallucinations. even though sometimes he could feel her wife. he thought he felt her. but he tried to believe that it was just nothing. so anya stopped telling him since he didn't listen.

"why are you here?" asked anya.

no respond.

it was as if she was talking to herself in the bedroom "i know that you're my mom and everything. but if this keeps going on, then... then i don't think i can make it" said anya.

"i love you, mom. and i can't keep doing this. i can't wake up every morning, looking at you in my bathroom door, but don't have the power to reach you"

no respond.

"and i don't know what your problem is that you're still here" said anya "please. let me finish it for you. i want you to be happy. not to sit around her and watch over me. you've done enough for me"

the wind blew harder. there was a scrabble board on the table. it fell down because of the wind. anya was shocked and she stood up to clean it. she looked at the messed up words and her eyes were wide open. she put her hand on her chest when she looked at the words. it was too impossible to be an accident. it said

let me go.

the random words made a simple sentence on the floor.

let me go.

what the fuck does that mean?

==============================

chacha was sitting on a bench outside of the school. doing absolutely nothing. and apparently she was great at it. she was still in her cheerio uniform. she loved her uniform. it was something that simbolized her. it was a proof that she was a part of something. and being a part of something special made her feel special. her hair was pretty messy from cheerio practice and madesu club. she crossed her legs and swung them back and forth. she was just hanging around with herself. until someone blocked the sun on her. she lifted her head up and saw michael.

"you're glowing" said chacha while narrowing her eyes

"it's the sun, cha" said michael

"are you from heaven?"

"um, no" said michael while sitting next to her "i came out of my mom's junk"

"oh" she said with a disappointed tone "hi michael"

"i was just thinking" he said "i know i might sound like an asshole, but would you help me to get naomi back?"

chacha was now focusing on the conversation instead of her legs. her face turned to her thinking face. that name always took her attention away. the name of the girl that she claimed to love. okay. michael was asking for her help to get back with naomi. it wasn't supposed to be a big thing. but it was for chacha. somehow. there was something inside her that twisted. and it didn't feel great.

"okay" said chacha

oh something inside her chest burned. it twisted more. she felt it clearly. moreover after she agreed to help him. chacha felt like she was betraying herself. her heart. it ached. it felt so wrong to answer yes to that question. chacha should just stand up and punch him in the face for asking that question. he knew that she was so in love with naomi. yet he asked her anyway. chacha was angry. but she didn't let her anger slip. she stayed as calm as possible. she tried to breathe. she tried to think. she closed her eyes

i'm doing this for naomi. as long as she's happy.

"great" said michael "i'll keep you posted"

and with that, michael walked away. that dick. he didn't even ask about how chacha feels. she felt stupid. yet she had to do this. she wanted to make naomi the happiest girl on earth. it would be nice. but as she thought again, it would be nicer if she was the one that made naomi happy. not michael or some dumb other boys.

chacha finally stood up. she straightened her skirt and brushed her hair. she walked slowly to naomi's house with no intention at all. she just felt like going there. but maybe it was because she missed hanging out with her. ever since her fight and her confession, she never really went to naomi's house again. as usual, she climbed through the tree and knocked the window.

naomi who was kneeing beside her bed noticed her quickly. she opened the window and let the blonde entered her room.

"you know, we have a front door for a reason" said naomi while closing the window

"front doors are boring, naomi" said chacha

"but for some people, front doors can be very useful, cha"

"like who?" asked chacha before she jumped to the bed

"uh like most of the people in this world" said naomi with a weird look

"but we're not like most people, are we?" asked chacha innocently

"perhaps" she said while throwing herself to lie down next to chacha

so there they were, lying next to each other. not taking their eyes off of the ceiling. chacha was distracted with the bob marley poster that naomi put on her ceiling until she realized that her bare shoulder was brushing with naomi's. skin versus skin. chacha's skin was so contrast with the latina's beside her. white and tan. but they mixed up perfectly. naomi's skin felt warm and cozy. it gave chacha goosebumps all over her body. and from insticts, her hand reached naomi's. she grabbed her hand and stroked it gently.

naomi was surprised at this action. but she went with it. because even god knows that she loved it. she loved the feeling that she got from the touch. it felt nice and safe. she didn't even expect that she will like how it feels. they were quiet. no sound. but chacha decided to break the ice while not stopping her movements on her hand.

"so how is it that we're not like most people?" asked chacha

"i don't know" said naomi "we're just different"

"but everyone is different"

"we're different different" she said "especially you"

"why?"

"i've never really met someone like you. i mean, you're so innocent and adorable" said naomi. they weren't looking at each other. just the ceiling

chacha giggled "that's sweet" she said "you're different too"

"how is it that i'm different?" asked naomi. she was into the conversation. but the blonde's hand that was rubbing hers was pretty distracting

"hmm where should i start" mumbled chacha "you're a latina. we rarely have that"

naomi chuckled "i guess"

"you're so good at remembering things. like my schedule"

"uh huh" said naomi

"your skin color is so awesome" said chacha "but then again, there are so many awesome things about you. your eyes and how they glow perfectly. i always thought that you have some sort of little stars there. your raspy voice, the sound that i admire the most in the world. your laugh oh my god how could i forget your laugh. it's the cutest thing ever. and your..."

naomi turned her head to chacha. this was getting a little bit weird. she looked at how the blonde said all those things without even care. how she said the words with all of her honesty. and holy fuck, how beautiful she was. naomi haven't really noticed how beautiful her best friend was until now. and when chacha ran out of words to say, she crunched her nose. and even naomi loved how she did that. naomi looked at the blonde with a  really serious yet lovely face.

after a while, chacha turned her head to naomi too. so they were staring at each other.

"i don't know what else to say. i'm pretty sure i still have so much more. if you want to, i can make a list about it and-" before chacha could finish, she felt a grip on her hand

naomi was holding chacha's hand. she was finally holding her hand. yes. something inside chacha's stomach twirled. and she loved it. naomi was gripping chacha's hand a little bit hard. as if she was afraid of something. chacha could feel it. she could see it.

"you know, michael still has a thing on you" said chacha.

"really?"

"yeah"

"why are you saying this to me?" asked naomi "i thought you hated him"

"because i think you're in love with him and i want you to be happy" said chacha. it crushed her.

"but are you happy?"

"of course i am" chacha smiled. not teeth was shown. it was just a crook on the corner of her lips. and from that moment, naomi knew that chacha was lying

"you're not good at lying" said naomi

"i'm not lying"

"i am naomi, cha. you can't lie to me"

chacha sighed "worth a shot"

"i'm not into him anymore" said naomi

it lit chacha. naomi could see it through her eyes. chacha tried to hide her happiness "really?"

"yeah. he's just a dumb badass" said naomi "besides, i'm a perfect badass myself. i don't need him to be the head bitch in charge of the school"

"can you at least talk to him?" asked chacha

"no way"

"okay" said chacha "i love you" oops. that just slipped from her mouth

"cha" said naomi

"mi" said chacha

"stop"

"hey, what can i say? i do love you" she said "just like i've said, we can't control our feelings. my feelings for you won't change that easily. and how i feel about you is... love"

naomi was silenced. she couldn't say anything. chacha was right. but how did that makes her feel? naomi didn't know what she was feeling about this. she didn't know what she supposed to feel about this. about chacha. and that scared the shit out of her. they were lost into each other's eyes. hands and shoulders crashing into each other's.

it felt so wrong but so right at the same time.

they both turned their bodies to each other. chacha cupped naomi's cheek. she leaned her head closer to naomi's. naomi put her hand on chacha's hand that was on her cheek. she closed her eyes.

"i'm scared" said naomi

"it's okay" said chacha while leaning slowly

closer. closer. closer. yes. almost there. 

when their lips were just inches apart, naomi sat up quickly and opened her eyes.

"this can't happen" said naomi while standing up

"but why?" asked chacha who followed her best friend

"it just can't"

"why naomi?"

"it just fucking can't okay"

"but why? tell me, naomi. what is the reason for all of this? what is the reason we can't fall in love with each other? huh?" asked chacha angryly.

it hit naomi. why? she haven't really thought about it. she loved chacha. in what way? she didn't know. but there was a main reason why they couldn't just fall in love with each other "you're a girl"

"and what does that had to do with love?" asked chacha

she didn't know. fuck she didn't know "we need boundries" said naomi.

chacha continued "oh so you need boundries? if you need boundries then i'll give you boundries. but hear me when i say that someday you'll have to learn that love has no boundries, mi. i can't believe you right now"

"i think you need to leave" said naomi while looking at the floor

chacha walked to the window "fine" she said "and i won't use the front door because it's too normal for me to use it than to use the window. i'm not afraid to be different. i'm not afraid to admit who i am. unlike you, who doesn't even admit that you have feelings for me. your problem is you're too afraid to be different"

chacha opened the window and jumped to the tree. she ran to her house as quickly as possible. she was crying. naomi stared at her window for a while. she sighed. she was disappointed with herself. somehow.

and now, nobody was there for her.

===========================

"we're going to the movies?" asked thalia

"even better" said aji while not taking his eyes off the road

"you know i hate secrets" said thalia while crossing her arms and pouted. aji looked at her and smiled. he knew her pretty well. they were riding aji's 1969 mustang. not a very new year but definitely a very new engine.

"it's not a secret when we have arrived" said aji while stopping the car and turned the engine off.

"i can't see anything"

"because it's dark outside, you goose" said aji

thalia rolled her eyes on that "what is exciting about a very dark place anyway?"

"you'll see" said aji. he went outside the car. thalia was still in the car. refusing to go outside

aji walked to her side of the door and opened the door for her. he waited while giving her a hand. "what?" asked thalia

"you're not coming?" asked aji

thalia shook her head. aji sighed "it's dark outside, ji"

aji turned around slowly and then turned again quickly to held her and carry thalia with his arms "that's the point, hotstuff" thalia was surprised at the sudden movement but laughed at how he did that.

he walked through the corn field. it was a corn field. what the fuck? they still have one of those? aji walked through it with a flashlight that he held in his mouth and her girlfiend on his arms. it was a double job since thalia decided not to walk. and he loved it. he felt like he was needed. he loved every single moment of carrying his girlfiend to their dating spot.

finally, they arrived at a grass field. it was dark but they could still see the flowers and a huge tree in the middle of it. it was beautiful. thalia felt like she was in a fairy tale. she stood up from him and walked slowly while staring at the view.

"how did you find this place?" asked thalia. she was pretty amazed

"i did a little research" said aji with a smirk

"and by research you mean getting lost and accidentally found a beautiful garden?" said thalia

he chuckled "pretty much"

she turned around and met him "this is awesome" she smiled. it was a very huge smile. rarely occured from her.

"anything for me lady" said aji with his charming accent. he smiled. it was one of his goofy smile.

they lie down on the grass next to each other. it felt comfortable. they just lie there. watching the stars. laughing at each other's jokes. it was one of those nice dates. after a couple of minutes, their mouth were getting tired. silence crept into them. the comfortable one. thalia looked up in the stars and closed her eyes for a few seconds. just when she was about to fell asleep, she felt a hand on hers. she let out a little grasp and had the ability to open her eyes.

"it's just me" said aji

thalia turned her head to him and smiled

"i miss you" he said again

"how can you miss me when i'm here with you?" asked thalia confused

aji looked at the sky and sighed "i don't know. it's like every minute that i've spend with you is so precious. and i don't want to forget that."

she stared at him. those words could even turn her face into a tomato. she tried to hide her blush with saying "have you ever dated a cheerio before?"

"um, never" he said "it's supposed to be a secret, but i've never really dated anyone. ever"

thalia's eyes widen. he felt the stare and looked at her "what?" asked aji

"like ever?" asked thalia

"yes, thalia. like, ever" he said "i mean, i got the charms. but not the experience"

"well that is weird" she said

"but what isn't? right?"

thalia looked up again and said "right"

aji found the stars again "everything is weird, thal. everything is not always what it seems" he said. thalia felt like he tried to say something to her but he didn't know how

"what are you trying to say here?" asked thalia. they weren't looking at each other. just gazing through the stars

"i'm just saying that sometimes people are different than we thought they were" said aji "like maybe they have secrets"

"well you can share yours anytime" she said "you know i hate secrets, ji"

he closed his eyes. trying to breathe. trying to think whether it was okay to tell her. he had a secret. secrets to be precise. but there was this one huge secret that he thought he shouldn't be hiding. especially to her. he didn't want to keep it from her. but he didn't want her to know either. it would hurt both of them. they've been dating for almost two weeks now. and even in that short time, love had grown between them. it was getting stronger. he loved her the moment he met her. and he knew exactly how she felt about him. the same feeling that he felt about her. it started off with fooling around. but all those hormones turned into emotions. into feelings. how he felt about her was rare. she made him search for this feeling. and he found love. both of them found love. he cared about her as much as she cared about him. and he needed to tell the truth about him. to tell her his deepest secret.

but he wasn't ready.

he was never ready to tell anyone about this. although he knew that someday he must. he just didn't want anyone to change. to treat him differently after he told everyone about his secret. so mostly, he was scared. scared of the reactions. but he won't know how they will react if he didn't tell them.

"i know you do" he said smiling

she sighed and turned her head. her brown eyes met his light green shiny eyes. and it was the most beautiful view that she had ever seen. she was lost for words. fuck do words even exist?

"i love you" said aji. oh he did.

"i know" said thalia.

"what are you afraid of?" asked aji

"falling in love" she said simply

"don't be"

"how?"

aji's right hand cupped her cheek. and she held it. he opened his mouth. he started to sing. it was the first thing that he had in mind. and damn he could sing. the boy could sing.

You, you like driving on a Sunday
You, you like taking off on Monday
You, you're like a dream 
A dream come true


I was just a face you never notice
Now I'm just trying to be honest
With myself, with you
With the world


he looked straight at her while still in that position. he got this accent that made her heart melt more than she thought it would.


You might think that I'm a fool
For falling over you
So tell me what can I do to prove to you
That it's not so hard to do?


Give love a try, one more time
'Cause you know that I'm on your side
Give love a try, one more time


he winked to her. and he didn't know what he just made her feel. thalia was frustrated. how could she not love this boy? she was frustrated for that fact.


How did it play out like a movie?
Now every time you speak it moves me
And I can't get your smile 
Off my mind


And your eyes, when I saw 'em for the first time
Knew that I was gonna love you for a long time
With a love so real, 
So right


he smiled. the smile was so sweet. so warm. so him. aji stroked her cheek. it was the softest thing that he had ever put his hand on. and he wasn't sure that he could stop. thalia closed her eyes. trying to feel every bit of his hand on her cheek.


Well, you might think that I'm a fool
For falling over you
So tell me what can I do to prove to you
That it's not so hard to do?


Give love a try, one more time
'Cause you know that I'm on your side
Give love a try, one more time
One more time


now, their foreheads were touching. it was the greatest feeling in the world. thalia's heart was beating fast. faster and faster and faster everytime she spends time with aji. it was a new feeling for her. yes, she had dated so many guys and girls because of her reputation as a cheerio. but it couldn't even being called dated. it was just fooling around. and because of that, she felt empty. nothing could ever fix her loneliness. but this time, she felt whole. that huge empty stop in her heart has being filled with what she had always wanted.

love.

aji. yes. he was it. her first love. but she was scared as hell. scared to lose him. scared to not being able to see him again. that was why she always avoided love. but then again, she had never actually felt it before. and that song. that frickin song that came out from aji. it convinced her that it was okay to feel love. it was okay to be scared. it was okay to take chances. and she felt safe. she was in good hands. his hands.

"i want to hug you forever" said thalia

he didn't respond. he just wrapped arms around her waist. they were closer. he could feel her hot breath on his face. she had no idea how much he wanted to hug her. how much he wanted to kiss her. god dammit how much he wanted to tell her how much he wanted to do all of those things. he loved her. he wanted her.

"i want to kiss you" she said again

she didn't has to ask him twice for that. his lips met hers. and they both melted into a sweet soft kiss. it was tender. it wasn't as rough as other boys would kiss her. and she swore to god that it was the best kiss she had ever gotten.

when the kiss broke, they stared at each other for a long minute. and that was it. the moment that thalia was positively sure that she was in love with this boy. but she wasn't ready to tell him that. to be completely open and to be vunerable in front of him. it scared her.

"i love you" said aji

"i know"

==========================


eka and edwin walked to edwin's house right after school. they walked slowly. trying to think what edwin would say to his parents. edwin didn't think it was a huge thing or something. but eka said that it has to be perfect.

the art of coming out.

that was what eka thought of. coming out of the closet, especially to your parents is a big deal. a huge deal. it was the moment when you can tell your parents about who you really are. who you want to be. who you're going to be. and who you're going to spend your life with. it wasn't a hard choice for edwin to make. he knew exactly who he was. for now.

was it even a choice?

sometimes he thought about it. he did. but he had never gotten the answers. he wanted to ask eka about it. but he was afraid that eka would be mad at him again like that time in cijantung.

eka and edwin was only a few meters away from school when andre, the school's 'jurnalist' and 'gossip god' stepped from their way while talking in front of the camera.

"so a rumour was told that the big jock edwin spends more time with other's balls than with his" said andre. then he shoved the mic to edwin after asking a question "is it true?"

"uh-" edwin who wasn't even ready for a question, couldn't say anything

"so it is" said andre "when exactly did you choose to be a player from the other team?"

"uh-" again, he couldn't say anything. wow this boy was a fast question giver

but then eka jumped in front of them and took the mic "you know what? i'm going to clear this out for you people who's stupid enough to even watch this video"

he stood in front of the camera and fixed his hair a bit. he noticed the weird looks on andre and edwin "what? i can't help it. i was born to be a performer" said eka

but then eka looked straight at the camera and started his speech "since when did being gay is a choice? so you think i chose to be gay? you think all gays and lesbians chose to be like that? to be insulted. to be humiliated. to be bullied all the time? i mean, who wants that kind of life? who wants to walk in the school halls and being teriffied at every turn because of the fear that someone will throw a slurpee right on your face? no. nobody wants that life. and now you're trying to say that i want that life? hell no. and let me ask you something. when did you 'choose' to be straight? when did you tell your parents that you're straight? when did you 'decide' to be straight? huh?"

andre was confused and he couldn't think of anything to say. so eka continued "straight, gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, black, white, latina, asian, lebanese. it doesn't even matter. they're just labels. and yes, it's great to have labels sometimes. it shows us who we are. but these labels are not labels that can show us who we are. it's just stupid labels with stupid people talking shit about it. so please. stop saying that being gay is a choice. it's not. it is who i am. i was born to be gay and i'm proud about it. i didn't choose to be gay. i chose to be happy with who i am" he said

but then someone threw a slurpee right on eka's face. well that was... yeah. andre walked away to probably post that video on his blog or something. it wasn't even important in edwin's mind that time. he wanted to take eka away from everything and just be. for him. and at that time, edwin wasn't lost anymore.

edwin and eka went to edwin's house as quickly as possible. and when eka saw the house. wow. he was amazed as hell. the house was huge. he could even call it a mansion. it was super fancy and super luxury. eka didn't even think that edwin was a very very wealthy boy. edwin did talk about his family to eka. but he definitely didn't mention the super rich part. they went inside and edwin let eka to clean himself from all the slurpee. edwin waited in the kitchen when his mother came in.

"you've brought company?" asked mrs. printdes

yovita printdes was an aged woman. but everything about her looks seemed flawless. every curves in her body was perfect. and even though her face had some wrinkles on it, she still looked pretty damn beautiful. she wore a red dress that looked super expensive and black heels. so much for casual wear in the house.

"yes, mother" said edwin "just a friend of mine"

"one of the jocks again? because i don't want to come home late at night and found a bunch of drunk teenagers passing out on the floor" said mrs. printdes

"no, mom" he said "relax okay. he's a good guy"

"he better be" she said

a few seconds after that, eka went to the kitchen with a towel on his face "oh god it took so much time to wipe everything off" said eka. he couldn't see anything with a towel wrapped around his face. but after he took it off, he could see mrs. printdes standing there with edwin

"oh i'm sorry" said eka "we have met. i'm eka" he said while offering his hand. eka and mrs. printdes met at a cosmetic shop. eka was the shopman. he worked at the place and she often buy stuff there.

mrs. printdes looked at eka in disgust but tried to fake a smile "you're that cosmetic guy" she said while taking his hand to shake.

eka could see the fakeness. but he just ignored it. eka wasn't rich. not at all. he was in the lower class. come to think about it. edwin's class and eka's was so different. edwin was madly rich. eka was poor. but edwin became friends with him anyway. because edwin knew that eka was the only person that could understand him so well. he was the type of person that could make edwin feel comfortable. and their class difference was so unimportant to him.

"okay. i will leave you two alone" said mrs printdes before going out of the kitchen. she was about to go to dinner with her husband

but before she could go out of the room, mr printdes showed up.

sri printdes was a very well man. he was wearing a suit with a purple tie. his thick brown hair was shining perfectly. he looked like a busy man. but eka could feel a comfortable aura around him. unlike mrs printdes.

"honey, are you ready?" asked sri to his wife. but he was surprised to see eka "oh we have a friend"

"pleasure to meet you, sir" said eka with a polite smile "i'm eka"

mr printdes took eka's hand and smiled. the smile was honest and clear. it showed his perfectly white teeth "pleasure to meet you too" he said "well, we have to go. you boys have fun" said sri

mr and mrs printdes went outside for dinner. probably at a very fancy restaurant. well it looks like edwin couldn't come out just yet. the timing was wrong. but there was always next time. look at the bright side, edwin could get ready for real and think about the right words to say. edwin and eka decided to sit on the edge of the pool (yeah edwin had a pool. i know, right). dipping their feets to the water and just talk about stuff.

"i hate it when people harm you" said edwin

eka smiled "i got used to it"

"how could you? i mean. urgh. those bastards will pay"

"hey. don't worry about it. all they are is mean. and that couldn't stop me from shining" said eka. he looked at the pool "thanks. for caring"

"no problem at all" he said "i wanna say something to you"

"what?" asked eka curiously

edwin sighed "i know who i am right now. and it's all because of you. i owe you big time" eka just smiled in return. but edwin continued "i also have figured out my feelings"

"yeah?"

"yeah. turns out, i have feelings.. for you" said edwin nervously

eka's eyes widen. he instantly got fireworks inside his chest. finally. but he didn't say anything. he just stared the boy beside him with a hopeful look.

"i mean, i like you. you're funny and awesome and everything. sometimes i don't understand what you're saying, but you're the only person in this world that can make me.. lit" said edwin "so here it goes. be my first boyfriend ever?"

aw that was sweet. eka had no doubt in his mind "yes oh my god yes!" said eka. he almost jumped inside the pool because of the excitement.

yes.

===========================

"okay guys. so this is it. we can use the auditorium for today's assignment. and whatever happens, whatever our secrets are, i don't want you guys to comment about it." said mr veri

the madesu club was prepared with a brown shirt. the wore brown because it implied honesty. and honesty was all they need for this task. they went to the auditorium. mr veri was joining them too on the stage. they started it off with a song.

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that i can confess

Till all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no, I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
I'm sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

"my parents are getting a divorce" said venna in the middle of the stage while the others were singing. she stepped aside and chacha took her spot

"i'm in love with a girl" said chacha

"i try to believe that there's a cure for my legs" said jodi

"my dad died ten years ago. but i still can't accept it. i just can't go to the basement where we keep his stuff" said evodie

This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm Gonna give all my secrets away

"my mother is a control freak. and i don't know if i can stand her. that's why i'm such a bitch" said naomi

"i'm in love with aji" said thalia

"i'm not as strong as you think. i cry so much at night just because people hate me" said eka

"i mohwhawked my head just because i think i'm uncool without it" said michael

My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like were chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars

And everyday I see the news
All the problems we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight to cold?
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
I'm sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

"i hate myself for being fat" said icha

"i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know my future. i don't know how to deal with problems. i ran from it" said fransis

"sometimes i wish i wasn't a blonde" said darrent

"i love dancing. it's my passion. but my dad doesn't agree with it. i don't know anything else i could do besides dancing" said albert

"i hate being an asian" said jessica

This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm Gonna give all my secrets away

"i wish i could save my wife. she died on a car accident. and i blame myself for not chasing her that night" said mr veri


Got no reason
Got no shame
Got no family
I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'ma tell you everything

All my secrets away 



there. it has all been done. they have given their secrets away. some felt relived, some felt exhausted, some felt that their burden had been pushed aside, some felt safe. everything felt good when you're able to tell your problems to others. it was like helping each other with sharing your problems. it will be solved quickly when you deal with it together. right? it sure felt like it.

"cancer? wait. are you serious?" asked one of the baking club member to the other

"yes i am. i mean, i saw him going to a chemo appointment in the hospital yesterday. i swear to god it was aji. i could recognize those curly hair everywhere" said denna, the 'leader' of the baking club

and then all the boys and girls from the baking club were gossiping to each other about aji in the hallway. denna saw him the day before in the hospital. waiting for a chemotherapy session. clearly he had cancer. was it really him?

"yeah, i think he has cancer and decides not to tell" said denna again

thalia accidentally heard what she just said "what? who has cancer?" asked thalia

denna was surprised as hell because she had never ever ever ever talked to a cheerio before. they had their own groups. and cheerios wasn't really getting along with the baking club. so she just answered nervously

"uh, aji, mam" said denna while fixing her glasses

thalia widen her eyes and ran to aji's locker without saying anything to the nervous girl.

"she's totally cool" mumbled denna

thalia found aji in front of his locker and he smiled. but he was surprised with the anger on her look.

"hey babe. what's u-"

"cancer? fucking cancer? you have a fucking cancer and you didn't tell me?" said thalia

"wait. i can ex-" but before he could say anything, she stopped him again

"what the fuck? i feel like i'm the last person that knows this" said thalia "whatever" she looked like she was about to collapse. that was why she turned around and tried to leave him

"hey! listen to me!" said aji while putting his grip on her arm and turned her around "i'm sick, okay? i've been this way since six months ago"

"but what the hell? you think that by keeping this as a secret then you won't get into trouble?" asked thalia. still angry

"i.. i don't know" said aji. he looked down. but he didn't let go of her arm "look, doctor said that i'm lucky. if i weren't then i would be dead 3 months ago. and i just-"

"how long?" asked thalia. she felt tears start falling from her eyes. he didn't answer and just looked down. she put her finger on his chin "how long?"

"if i'm lucky, a month" said aji with a sad face

thalia was shocked of how short the time he got left. she was in love with him for christ's sake. she started crying. aji held her and stroked her hair gently

"ssshhh. it's okay" he said

"no. no it isn't" said thalia

"yes it is" said aji

"you won't be here"

"i'm here now"

"but all we have is now" said thalia. she was still crying. unable to contain the emotions that was floading through her

"then let's make it count"

there they were. in the crowded hallway. trying to think about now.

============================

"so how can i do this?" asked michael to chacha

"well, she likes flowers, but not cheap ones. she could tell" said chacha

"and what else?" 

"she's really a sweet person. she needs you to show her that you're really into her. like maybe say sweet things or something like that" said chacha

"like what?" asked michael

chacha sighed. she still couldn't believe that she was helping michael to get naomi back. she felt nauseaus. it wasn't supposed to be like this. but as long as naomi's happy. so... it kinda hurt. chacha didn't agree to this at all. but what if being with michael could make naomi happy? what if? so she went with it. she helped michael to get naomi back. it wasn't really for michael or for herself. it was really for a very special person, naomi.

"like how much you like her. how much you like her voice. her eyes. her skin color. her smile. her laugh. oh god her laugh. her hair. how much you love everything about her. give her flowers. take her on a date. convince her that you want her so badly that you'd die for her. that's what i'd do" said chacha

"whoa. that's a lot of work right there" he said

"what? really? you need to do that, mike. you need to show her what you'd do to have her back" said chacha

"well, okay. thanks by the way" said michael while walking away

as long as you're happy.


HEY OKAY SO I GUESS THIS IS IT. OH MY GOD THIS UPDATE IS LIKE THE LONGEST EVER. sorry guys. it's just that i'm not in the mood to write over the past few weeks. at least i finished it. whatever. so i think this chapter is kind of okay. but really not my best. OH HEY you should really check out glee season 3 . really. seriously. go for it. if you do then you're cool bro. if you don't, then... okay. SO i won't do any comments because this chapter needs to be posted ASAP. i'm not sure if anyone is still reading it but the hell with it i still do. i kinda love writing actually. *ssshhh it was supposed to be a secret*. i love you guys by the way. i was thinking if maybe i could do a mixed up story between madesu dadu and night three. whatcha think? it's gonna be hard and complex but i'm up for the challenge. so, give me your thoughts. AJI HAS CANCER OH MY GOD I'M SUCH A FUCKING BITCH


the songs are lovebug- jonas brothers (oh my god this song is kind of old BUT WHATEVER I'M A BADASS), give love a try- nick jonas (another jonas. wow), secrets- onerepublic. this chapter is not very long and the songs are not very many. but i hope you enjoyed it anyway!