LAST POST OF 2011

HEY! how's everything hanging? so okay hey guys. i wanna make this post to appreciate (i think that's the word) the year 2011. i mean, i don't want my last post of 2011 to be that "get money fuck bitches, get married eat sandwiches" thingy. even though i know it is super awesome!!! i know!! so, this last post of 2011 will be about.. well, 2011. everything that has happened throughout the year. wow. i didn't even notice things! i mean, i didn't know that i'm going to pass 2011 this fast. and the other thing is, i can't believe so many things happened in a very short amount of time. well, at least that's what i feel. okay i'm going to have to hurry because the countdown is an hour til midnight so...

okay. this year started off with some laughs. literally, laughs. laughs everywhere. i love laughs. well, not really. so 2011 with madesu, that is 8.1 or if you don't know me, then you suck it's my class in vincentius junior high. HAHA why do i laugh everytime i hear junior high. it sounds so small if you know what i mean. ANYWAYS, in madesu, i had so much fun. thank you guys. you're all amazing and awesome and hilarious. well... just thank you. i had the funniest moments with you guys. so thanks. we shared... well, mostly laughs. YCEFDMN. we had something back then... right? well, not everything is perfect. but either way, i love every single one of you madesu! much love! HEY SOUL SISTER AIN'T THAT AKDAUDGHUA

so many things happened, i don't know where to begin. let's see. when i first got promoted? wait what? promoted? up to 9th grade. oh my god 9th grade!! i feel so small... so when i first got up to ninth grade, i felt so sad because i had to leave madesu but oh well. my new class was 9.1 or so called communio. oh my god. okay at first, we were really awkward and ya know. but then we got to blend and what do you know, we mixed up so perfectly. HAH! the funny thing is, i actually felt something from this class. like something. no offense, but in madesu i didn't really feel anything. almost nothing. happy. why do i feel happy? I'M SO EMOTIONALLY HAPPY RIGHT NOW! just thinking about them makes my heart warm. okay, communio, i love you and i can't wait to spend another semester with you. much much love from me!! oh and classmeeting lol okay let me talk about this. WE LOST. it felt.. terribly... good. it felt terribly good. i don't know. i just love them too much! i love you! okay i'm going to stop now you're all so hilarious. and cute. and IT'S A BEAUTIFUL NIIIGGGHHHTTT

oh and so many things happened to me. yeah things have changed. losing best friends. gaining best friends. falling in love. founding love. getting lessons. losing faith. gaining faith. losing hope. gaining hope. parents. friends. family. teachers. people. lover. best buds. everything just fell right on to me. GLEE

i don't have hopes about next year. nope. nothing at all. since i don't really celebrate new years. but this year 2011, was a pretty wild ride in my life. it changed every perspective that i have towards everything. it changed everything that i may thought about before it actually happened to me. i was naive back then. now, i'm not as naive as i was. i didn't know stuff back then. now, i know what i should know, even though i don't want to know. everything that has happened to me showed everything in life that i didn't want to know at the first place. but well, i guess i have to. eventually. just like the speeches that quinn and rachel did in SHAfD, all we have to do is live. freaking live! all i want to do in 2012, the new year that's going to happen to my life in about 30 minutes, is to overcome. overcome everything that i will be facing. i will overcome. i will survive. and i will win. i will live. overcome. love better. know better. fight harder. trying to hang in there. and eventually i will overcome. learn from experiences. i have a lot of them. let's live. i will have to face hard things out there, but i will overcome. something is waiting for me. i just know it.

happy new year!

and so ends my last post of 2011

Get money, fuck bitches. Get married, eat sandwiches.

Anyone who says that looks are not important is full of shit. You NEED to be attracted to the person you are with.

 -Arielle Scarcella-

This is me swallowing my pride. Which is a hard thing for me because I'm not used to swallowing my own pride. But for you, I make an exception. I'd swallow my pride for your forgiveness. In fact, I'd do anything for it. I hurt myself for hurting you. But you don't seem to know how hard it is for me too. It's like you don't appreciate what I'm trying to do. Like everything I do is never enough. I'm lost. And you're not helping.

My love for you will never subside

A best friend once told me of how he loves his girlfriend. I know this seems so corny, but I think it is true. And he was so sincere about it. So, he told me this.

"I can't hate her. She's the only one that can make me feel this way. I love her. I'm sure she's the one. Because even though we fight a lot, my love for her won't lessen. We never thought about breaking up. I'm in love with her. Head over heels. My love for her is 100 %. It won't reduce in any way possible. Just because we fight a lot, it doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving her. Because I love her too much to do that. She's everything to me."

And it was probably the truest thing I've ever heard him said. Oh he loves her so much. I love their relationship. I'm sure there's something waiting for both of them out there. He didn't say those things in the right way so I corrected him. But I know what he meant. I know exactly what he meant. I know exactly how he feels towards her. He was head over heels in love with her. And it's beautiful for a person to feel that way. To feel that he loves someone so much that he never thought a second about being apart from her. It's the most beautiful thing ever. How he has someone that he loves so much that he claims that she's his everything. That's what I love about them.

The point is, when you love someone so much that you think that he or she is the one, you'd never even think about being apart from them. It's way too cruciating. You love him or her too much to be seperated from them. Fighting alot doesn't mean that you don't belong to each other. It just means that you care. You care about them so much that you have to argue with them. But note this, your love for this person won't ever subside. No way. They're way too precious. You won't be able to let them go because you just.. love them too much. It's love.

And if you'd ask me if I had felt this before, I'd say yes.

Jealousy takes over. Again.

what is wrong with me

lalala let's dance

okay about the title... nope. nevermind. HEY. i don't have any intention at all for making this post! HA! i'm such an awesome person. i haven't done my assignment though. still an awesome person. okay so, i'm just going to write anything that's going through my mind lately. here goes nuthin'! I'M SUCH AN AWESOME PERSON.

i'm still working on madesu. yeah! can you believe that?! i'm kind of slow on this chapter cause i don't know what the hell should happen to you guys. but i added a new character. here, have some sneak peek.


"you know, if you're trying to believe something so impossible, you're going to get hurt more than if you just believe in reality" said the girl that was eyeing thalia the whole time.


thalia was shocked. she turned her head towards the girl and saw her. she couldn't saw her face because the girl was under the shadow. but her voice sounded... magical?


"who are you?" asked thalia. she was a little bit scared.


"oh. i'm just a person that you don't talk to" said the girl.


"show me your face!" said thalia. she was panicking now.


"don't be scared. i don't bite either" the girl walked slowly.


thalia could see her face now. wow. it was the first word that crossed her mind after seeing that face. it was literally perfect. her big bright purple eyes were weirdly stunning on her perfect porcelain skin. her lips were glossy soft pink. the glossy part was probably because of the lolipop that she was holding on her mouth. this girl was a student in vincentius high. thalia has seen her before, but she never took notice. she was different alright. very different. her look was freaky. but it worked. thalia knew that just then. the girl was somewhat interesting.

could you guess? no? yes? tell me all about it okay ;) this is going to be an interesting character. i love her already. her eyes are purple. PURPLE. PUR-PLE. PURH-PLEH. PUUURRRPLLEEE. P-U-R-P-E-L. i guess you already get that. (i know i did wrong at that last part. HAH! i'm not an idiot. bitches. that's not how you spell purple.. right? i knew that). okay so, this character talked about reality.

ABOUT REALITY, i'm not having a great time with it. totally. it's kind of a cockblock on anything i've ever dreamed about. like how i wanted to have a farm filled with unicorns and dolphins. or meeting up with the teletubbies and live with them like forever. yep, reality crushed it. my dreams turned into a mashed potatoes. the only difference between my dreams and mashed potatoes is, mashed potatoes are way more delicious. okay. so, the thing about reality is, it is real. so you kind of can't deny it. it's like facts. not fictions. fictions are so much more fun. deal with it. i mean, which one will you choose? a huge thick encyclopedia with.. encyclopedia stuff in it, or a huge thick harry potter novel with wand helders and a talking brown hat in it? i could already guess. fact is, reality always sucked.

i really don't have anything to do. really. this is the holiday season yet i'm dying wanting to go home. i'm not having fun whatsoever. i miss everything. well, not everything. a special... thing. a very very special thing. ah love. so, here i am, trying to find a highschool. i'm not really sure about this, but whatever. ya know. the whole "your future is important" and "we only give you the best" and "your future is what important to us" and everything. it almost felt like i'm doing something out of force and pressure. every crap has gotten crappier. everything i say is unimportant. yet my future is? so, yeah. what is my future anyways? no one could tell but me, right? but oh wow i'm not supposed to talk. okay then i say nothing. then my future would be nothing. when will people understand that my future is my saying? it's kind of unfair. but remember. fair isn't a word in anyone's vocabularies anymore. sad.

okay, so i was checking this thing out, and then i fainted. why? because of how perfect it is. oh i won't tell. it's a secret. YEAH I HAVE ONE, PROBLEM? aaahh i'm in love. YEAH I CAN BE IN LOVE, PROBLEM?

ehm. so i'm going to talk about my lasts. it's something that i came up with and even though it has been done before, i feel like doing it.

last activity. peeing. oh my god it was perfect because i almost spill it. so i was taking my aunt and her boyfriend (i guess. please don't make this complicated) to a bus thingy so both of them could go back to jakarta. but then my bladder was so freaking low i could feel it burning inside me. the moment i wanted to go to the toilet at the nearest mcd, my big pops told all of us that he wanted to take us to somewhere that has food in it. somewhere on the street. so i held my pee oh my god cruciating as hell. i didn't eat and absolutely didn't drink anything. i just sat there. on the street. YEAH IMMA GHETTO. and then we got back to the bus thingy because it was time for my aunt to go and then i went to that mcd again just to pee! HAH it felt so heavenly good. god, thank you for creating a way for us to pee. amen. one thing that i found very interesting is that mcd in tegal (YEAH THAT'S THE NAME OF THE TOWN. BITCHES) is so much more modern than ones in jakarta. SCORE.

last meal. meandoan lol i don't know what else to call it. straight up mendoan. it reminds me of a visit at astari's house with naomi. so we went to astari's house until late at night and we ate probably the most delicious mendoan ever. EVER. well, maybe after the ones in gonz. EVER.

last drink. uhh tea, i guess. AND I USED A SMALL CUP AND IT WAS SO ADORABLE OH MY GOD THE CUTEST CUP EVER IN MY LIFE I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD DRINK FROM A SMALL CUTIE CHUBBY CUP EVER.

last hug. MYSELF. YEAH I CAN HUG MYSELF DEAL WITH IT.

last kiss. my fuckin adorable brother. no, not the big one ew. the smallest. oh did i tell you that my mother is now officially insane? everytime she sees my little brother she'd be like "he's the most perfect baby ever" and i was like "wha-" and she was all "ever." and it creeps the shit out of me. really.

last ride. ON A TRUCK. HELL YEAH.

last movie. wrong turn 4. oh my god this movie. you should just like watch it or something. i don't know what to call it. awesome or creepy or ew. let's watch it! i screamed a lot! yeay!

last song. simple plan- i can wait forever. YEAH I MISS SOMEONE, PROBLEM?

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE LAST LOL OKAY SO BYE I GUESS.

oh and i hate judgemental people. stop underestimating others! you're a shitty person. i just wanted you to know that, okay ;)

STOP TOTURING ME I'M FRUSTRATED. yeah i'm mental.

It was never about knowing anything when it came to them. It was always about feeling and just doing. They just did. Most times it worked, last fall it ruined them. But they never questioned what they had. They just… were, like soul mates never needing to know more. Why was irrelevant because everything was an answer. Why? Because of her hazel eyes. Why? Because of that voice. Why? Because she wears knee highs. Why? Because thoughts don't exist outside of her. Why? Because love seems wasteful when not directed at her. Why? Because there is no why not.

No one and nothing else can compare.

I was at the top and now it's like I'm in the basement

And now you ain't around, baby I can't think. I should've put it down, should've got that ring. And I just hope she knows that she's the only one I yearn for. Moreover, I miss her. When will I learn?

I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a lego house. When things go wrong, we can knock it down. My three words have two meanings. There's one thing on my mind. And it's all for you. I'm out of touch. I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. I'm out of sight. I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours.

And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now.

Down hold me down. Even though it's more than I can take, for you as a prize is worth it.

I'll do better.

Life Goes On (Ew, Sucky Title)

HEY. okay hi. it's been awhile! and i'm pretty sure no one is checking this thing out. do you know what it means? MORE CONFESSIONS. YEAY THIS DOESN'T SOUND EXCITING AT ALL!! anyways, there are so many things that i want you guys to catch up with. in my life. i know. enjoy your trip sinking on my ocean of life that's filled with boredom.

the exams are done. horay. yeay. yahoo. whatever. i'm not excited about that. not really. i think i did bad. seriously though, real bad. i didn't study or anything like that. and i was sure that i would regret everything that's going to happen after. HAH. life. but i didn't. i mean, i did a bad job and got a bad result. there's nothing wrong about that. duh. exams are just... hmm.

classmeeting. lol okay let me rant about this thing. i love it. no, not the event. communio. a special place where i can actually feel worthy. seriously. i mean, after all that has happened to my life, my extremely broken family, my extra extremely broken friendships, and through all the confussions of my entire worthless life, i can actually feel loved. i've said before that madesu had set the bar way high for anything. but i guess i was wrong. i do that. i do wrong. wrong stuff. wrong judgements. wrong perspectives. i do many wrongs. i used to think that an awesome family is when you get to have extra fun and laugh with them. but guess what? i was wrong about that too. communio changed everything about my decisions and point of view. i feel accepted. loved. needed. enough. i feel enough. after all these years of feeling so left out, grabaged, and useless, i actually feel enough when i'm with them. you'll never know what it feels like. even i couldn't describe it with words.

ah words. my friends. don't you think they're beautiful? some of them are. i love words. arrange them correctly and you can make a sentence. then a paragraph. then a story. then a book. their existence are precious. my life is such a story. sometimes i feel like i need to channel it into words. like making a story about my life. but that would be narsistic. so i made madesu. remember? my one and only fanfiction. it is great. what you may not know is, it is how i channel my life. some of the story there are my true experiences of life and self discovery. I'M AN ARTIST.

i don't know what's going on to me lately though. everytime i go to school, i feel sick. oh god i'm sick of it. i'm totally sick of it. i don't know. it seems like everytime people talk about school or even anyone in it, i feel like vomiting. i hate school. i dislike people in it. it's just that... they're so.. uugghh. i'm sick and tired of everyone's behavior. i mean, junior high school. are you serious? i'm so not into this. come on. please. just be cool for god's sake. you'll be in high school and then college and then god knows what. and you're acting so... god damn it i don't know the right word. they're just fucking stupid small minded assholes who don't know how to live their life, yet criticsize other's. oh my god. are you serious? are you going to be like that for the rest of your life? being a creepy pathetic scumbag? you're joking. please tell me you are. i just can't.. and i just.. oh my god stop it. you're killing me here. i'm not trying to be all hipster, but.. over it. totes.

i'm so done. with everything. do you know what it feels when someone you love just.. broke up with you? you wouldn't want to know.

another thing that has been going on is.. i'm broke. totally. i'm so short on cash and i'm trying so hard saving it. seriously. after what has happened to my dad, my view towards money changed 180 degrees. okay. so, money is important. i'm being super serious. people say that money isn't everything. well, they lie. money is everything. there's just one thing that we need in this world. could you guess? exactly. money. i mean, you should really thank your parents. for feeding you. and giving you money. and stuff. but anyways, money is super important. if i had to choose between parents or unlimited amount of money, i would choose money. for real. it's all about the money, guys.

i love rihanna. don't you? i'm so emotional right now. it's caused by so many things. ah i hate my life.

don't you?

Talk That Talk

You showed him all the best of you, but I'm afraid your best wasn't good enough. And no, he never wanted you. At least not the way you wanted yourself to be loved. And you feel like you were a mistake. Oh broken angel, were you sad when he crushed all your dreams? Oh broken angel, inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe he would leave you alone and leave you so cold when you were his daughter. But the blood in your veins as you carry his name turns thinner than water. You're just a broken angel.

Those girls, they wanna have fun...

"Somehow, official meant protection"

She could hear each breath Rachel took, their air mixing between them. It'd been two months since this started. Two months and they'd managed to find their utopia within each other. Rachel would turn sixteen in two days. She would officially be allowed to date, according to the Berrymen's laws of life.

For a week, Quinn wanted to broach the topic. Technically, they were already dating. They made out, they had dinner, they held hands- but all in private. Not that Quinn wanted to out them, that would come later and her mother would be the first told, but she wanted it official. She needed it official.

Her mind was one slip away from uttering three words she was too scared to put together without making things official. Somehow, official meant protection in Quinn's mind. As if Quinn could utter those three words while official and not encounter the same risks when they weren't.

Yes. Official definitely meant protection. "I love you" is not something that I could say out loud when it's not official. I need official. Oh God, I do. I wonder when will I man up.

Hello Internet, Hello Confessions

Hey. OH MY it's been awhile since I opened this freaking blog. GUESS WHY? A GODDAMN THUNDER! I swore to god I think pikachues exist. evil ones that tried to ruin my relationship with my dearest lover, internet *FOREVA ALONE... you guys have already known that... *. HOWEVER, everything is fixed and I'm back on the game... bitches. and now I'm literally trying to make out with my damn internet. LET ME LOVE YOU. please don't ever leave me ever again you dirty scumbag.

Anyway, I'm not really sure if anyone is still have the unlazyness (is that a word?) to open and read this mothafuckin blog. but, oh well where else can I write my unimportant confession and blabber about it until it reached six pages and I don't even realize it? how are you all doing? I'm still hanging in there. So, here goes my life for now.

I am a fifteen year old brat now! okay that doesn't sound really exciting. wow. 15. it's like a number you get when you divide 30 into two *everyone knows that... silly*. I feel.... young. I KNOW. how weird is that? I feel immature. more immature than I ever was. it sounds pretty weird. oh, you know how I love birthdays. not mine though. my parents are still trying to tell me that it's no use celebrating one. so, you know, all the congrats and the presents meant a lot to me. it shows me that birthday celebration does exist. maybe not in my family, but in the world. PRESENTS! I can't believe I actually got one! I kind of like presents, you know. the excitement you get before you open that damn wrap. I got some sort of a sheep doll thingy. my thank you goes to bintang and christy for this one. keep sheeping with shaun the sheep guys. I kind of love you two but I'm too awkward to say that so... . OH and you know about how I want to read wuthering heights because of SHAfD? guess what? I'M FINALLY READING IT! I KNOW, RIGHT. so I gave my very special thanks to my very best friend, miss raras who someday will make a corporation that sells clothings and perfumes with her name on every product. oh wait, you guys aren't supposed to know that. and I'd say that I quite LOVE it. it's brilliant and I keep turning those pages oh my god let me air. so, birthday was fun.

I am officially turning into a room person. do you guys know what a room person is? a room person is a person who keeps staying in their room until the next day and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next.... AND the only time that person comes out of the room is when that person wants to eat. YES that is a perfect way to describe me. please don't be surprised if someday I just walk out of my room and I have a beard. duh. that's what staying inside of your room too long will do to you. A FREAKING BEARD. A LONG ONE. like the one dumbledore has. or had. or whatever. I'M A SLOPPY PERSON OKAY STOP IT WITH THOSE JUDGING EYES. *creys because I'm too weird to be true*

COMMUNIO. I fucking love it. love love love love ~ yes, we've found love inside it. all the lads and the lasses are awesome. it's funny how I can't keep my bad mood inside communio. they would like find a way to shoo them bad moods away. REMEMBER WHEN COMMUNIO PERFORMED DON'T STOP BELIEVING IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS? YEAH ME NEITHER. I swore to god it was the best night of my life. okay I'm not gonna blabber about communio that much because other classes are brilliant too i guess in their fuckin own way mate! *HAH I'M AN ENGLISH LASS NOW DEAL WITH IT*.

TEACHERS. oh my god teachers. don't let me start about those goddamn teachers. okay so maybe it's just me. I talk too much in class but fucking teachers are acting kind of shitty lately. I don't know. maybe they're on their puberty or something that makes those hormones of them grow like million times bigger and they lash it all up to us. I don't know. maybe somehow they got a disease that makes them getting a period every single day. I don' know. I really don't. or is it just me? am I just turning into another asshole? probably. well, assholes don't have any life. so I guess it fits me for now.

I wanted to tell you guys something. it's about me and how I think of friendships and of course best friends. so my mom got home from my hometown and she decided to clean my room up without warning me first. when I came home, I found that my room was... empty. I'd say empty because she got rid of aka threw away some of my stuff. that was an outrage. that's my fucking stuff and I can't believe she did that. she throwed away something that meant so much to me. a hat thingy that I got from my best friend. it has a shape of a... turtle? some sort of a green turtle with a cute face. and it has my name on it. yessica sukantow. even though it is made from a stupid carton, I appriciate it as a gift from my best friend. so when my mom threw it away just like that, I was angry. oh I was. I was bursting into rage. it's kind of weird though. this best friend of mine who gave it to me is not actually treating me as a best friend anymore. not after something happened to us. apparently, when I decided to tell the truth to him that I couldn't trust him to take care of my other best friend which he happens to "like", he said that from that moment on, I couldn't be his best friend anymore. and yeah, that's what happened. until now, I really don't get why telling the truth is such a crime. but I still can't get this thing out of my head. best friends aren't really just a thing for me. best friends are the best thing ever that could make life even greater than it was before. they're these little things in life that I cerish so much and have no expiration date. to me, they are. but apparently not to him. I have no rights to say things about other people. but I certainly have my own thoughts about them. And the last thing I want is to make judgements of other people to other people. I'm just not that hypocrite. the fact that I was so sad and angry about my mom throwing away that garbage meant that I'm not over it. I still couldn't face the reality that I've lost a best friend. I still couldn't help it but to blame myself for losing him. I don't know. I guess I'm just not that forgetful.

MADESU. I'm still working on chapter 21 guys oh my god I have so many great ideas but I'm just... blame those pikachues! do wait for it.

there is one thing that I want to complain about since I don't know when. it's about commenting other people's flaws. I hate it when people do that. like saying that I'm short. okay do you think I don't know that I am short? do you think I don't notice it? I'm not saying that being short is a flaw. no way. it's not a flaw whatsoever. but weirdly, people talk about it as if it is. same with saying that being fat is a flaw, being ugly is a flaw, being thin is a flaw, being stupid is a flaw, being gay is a flaw, and so many more. these things are not what I call as a flaw. these things are a part of life. people are just too stupid to accept them. you know what I call a flaw? a flaw is something that we should have had, but we don't. like not being able to see or hear or speak or walk or talk. those are flaws. why are people so stupid. and flaws aren't actually that bad. we're still alive. that's a huge thing. all we have to do is to survive from the flaws and live. that is all. no, don't ever say that being fat or short or thin or small is a sin. it's not. and don't say that out loud to the world. we have already known all of our flaws. you don't have to point it again for us. please. don't act like idiots. you may not know this but it could hurt other people's feelings. I beg you, stop doing this to other people. you're dumb. stop being such a twat, okay. please.

SO I THINK I'M DONE FOR TODAY'S CONFESSION. bye.... bitches.